another fill, bit more depressed

so i saw the surgeon again today. two weeks since my last appointment. i've lost three pounds. is it wrong to feel utter disappointment in that? 

i asked the doc what amount of food i should be eating. he's so patient with me. he never has one-word answers or seems cross that i ask a seemingly stupid question. he told me that he's not really interested in a certain size, e.g. half a cup. he says it's more important to eat until i'm full, and no more. he doesn't want me to get hung up on measuring. he doesn't want me to feel hunger, either. 

i also asked him if i should be worried that now i'm at 8 ccs and the band holds 9. he said, with a chuckle, not to worry (he's all about allaying my fears, isn't he??); that this might be "the one," and there's a lot of fill potential between 8 and 9 ccs (in .1 increments, that is). also, he said that he's filled these bands over 9ccs, that they can take it. i hope i never find out. i'm comfortable with the manufacturer's suggestions, thankyouverymuch.

i don't think my problem lately is physical hunger. scratch that, i know it's not. i rarely feel physical hunger. it's all in my head.

i am starting the realize band research study online tomorrow. it runs for four days. they're paying us in amazon dot com money. i had the kickoff conference call today. a handful of people from all around the country called in. one woman, who was very annoying, interrupted the moderator to inform us all that she was down 89 lbs in 7 months. whoop de do. thanks! now i feel even more miserable about not being able to break -60lbs in nearly ten months. nine months and three weeks, to be exact.

it's a general depression. i haven't worked out in a few days (since friday). i ate all i wanted all weekend and gained .8lbs. who knows what i could have done without a band... 

my goal = my desire to lose weight - panicking about becoming someone different + extrinsic rewards like feeling better and having my clothes feel looser - my intense addiction to eating.

that's a complicated equation.