ok. day 4 of the new fill.

and a breakthrough in therapy today. i've embraced the fact that i need therapy to survive this incredibly difficult ordeal. i cannot lose this weight and become a healthy individual without professional help of all kinds. a psychologist is no exception.

anyway.

i had a breakthrough in our session today. i actually have two, often conflicting personalities: the first is the inner child who throws temper tantrums and defies authority, and the second is the inner parent, who scolds and reprimands the inner child.

You cannot tell my inner child not to do something. I will do it. Conversely, if you tell me to do something, I will procrastinate immensely, if I do it at all. Same goes for if you tell me i should do something; I won't do it. I'm not often conscious of this. 

the inner child of mine wants what she wants when she wants it and will stop at nothing until she gets it. for example, the cookies i've been eating lately. the inner parent steps in and scolds the inner child about eating the cookies. there's guilt all around. it's very annoying.

i'm also feeling frustrated and angry. i'm midway though my 10-week 30-lb challenge, and with all the ups and downs in my weight, i'm exactly where i started 5 weeks ago. it's incredibly frustrating... which, now that i've explained my inner child, you'll see that it will have a completely opposite desired effect: instead of my frustration at a slow weight loss motivating me, it deters me and discourages me.

i walked on my treadmill for 20 mins today and dailyplate-tracked every bite. i got stuck on some chips and salsa and threw up some afterbirth. i was feeling stuck on the treadmill so i did it a little slower than normal. but i did it. all i wanted to do was take a nap before class tonight. but i didn't; i walked. 

watching bridget jones' diary on tv.. i would love it if a handsome brit told me that he liked me.. just as i am. i would really like it for me to be able to say the same to myself. and believe it.