not really hungry

I'm not really that hungry this morning. I had some, erm, issues last night.

I had physical therapy after work (I have plantar fasciitis) and I was on my way to school when I decided to stop at Wendy's for a bite to eat. I wasn't starving but I thought that since it was only 6:00 and I would be in class till 10, I should probably get something.

I ordered a baked potato, a grilled chicken wrap, and a small frosty. 

When I got to school, I dressed up my potato with sour cream and took a bite. Then another. Then I got stuck. I was stuck for two and a half hours. I threw up several times in my car (I have a bag for just such a purpose), in the school bathroom before class, and I actually had to get up during class to go puke my brains out (the wobbly, I-feel-like-the-flu kind of puke, which was, thankfully, my last episode of the night).

I made it through class, though, and at home I ate some ice cream. I even ate a few pieces of popcorn. Then I went to bed, but no sleep until almost 1:00. 

This morning I'm not really hungry, but I just ate some applesauce so I could take Accutane. Yum. 

Snack time

Applesauce to take Accutane. Bar bc I'm still hungry.
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Breakfast

I'm at 9cc now......
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Psshht.

Forget pills.. I'm trying to keep three sips of iced coffee down.

I'm at 9.25 ccs. Using barium, the doc said this looks like good restriction. I have a 9cc band. Excuse me, I need to vom. 

Accutane

I started taking Accutane today. My skin has become an oil slick in the past couple of years, and no creams or antibiotics have been able to tame it. I can literally touch my skin and see oil droplets. It's gross. Plus, my acne is not good. Sometimes I get cysts or nodules and they're so painful. I've tried just about every acne med on the market (yes, including Proactiv - and that made it WORSE!).

Accutane is supposed to permanently remove the oil problem, thereby reducing acne flareups. I'm taking the generic form called Sotret, as the brand Accutane got pulled from the market back in June.

Since I can't take pills with my band, I'm cutting the gel-coated capsule and squeezing the thick liquid into 4oz of applesauce. It's orange and doesn't mix well, but the pill itself is probably too large to swallow whole, a little narrower than 1cm and a more than 1cm long.

Tomorrow I get my first fill under the fluoroscope. I'll ask my doc then about how big a pill I should be able to take. 

ugh

It's only 10am and I'm HUNGRY :(

I did something good!

This morning, I worked out. I did arm stuff with my free weights. Holy hell, do I feel like jello.

But, good jello!

ENT checkup

Successful (sorta) trip to the ear/nose/throat doc this morning. I had my tonsils removed two days before Christmas '08 and have been following up ever since. 

The doc saw that I had a sleep study to get medical clearance for my band last year, and requested a repeat study to see if the "severe obstructive sleep apnea" I had had improved.

It has!

I refuse to use a CPAP machine because they scare the ever-loving shit out of me. Before my band surgery, I stopped breathing 45 times an hour (none during REM - but the ENT doc thinks I just didn't get to REM during that study). Now, after both the band/losing 55+ lbs and having my enormous tonsils removed, I stopped breathing 7 times a night, but 22 during REM.

Now, the ENT doc thinks it's great improvement and all, but he attributes "the great majority" of the improvement to - wait for it - HIS work in removing my tonsils! I quickly added that "perhaps losing nearly 60lbs helped?"

He was sure to say that it was a great start, but that I should keep "trying" to lose weight. 

I was already in a foul mood because he was 45 minutes late - as in, kept me waiting 45 minutes - and I had to be at work, where my boss had a project waiting for me to discuss with him. Naturally. When I'm late. 

Ugh. Doctors. 

another fill, a renewed hope

I have gained 9 lbs. It's insane. My ability to eat is huge. Like, I ate two bagels. This morning. Before noon. Not toasted.

Holy shit.

Saw the doc today.... and saw the scale.... and was determined to get back to a higher fill level. My therapist had another pearl of wisdom last week: maybe what I thought was too much was just right. The fact that I couldn't eat much when I was tighter.. is the whole point. Duh.

I asked for - and received - another 0.5ccs, so I went from 7.75 to 8.25 ccs. It's not the highest level I've been to, but may be what I need.

The doc wants to do my next fill under x-ray. I'll have to schedule that within the next couple of weeks. Very cool. I've had an x-ray before:

See my band? It's pretty cool. I had this x-ray several months ago when that particularly scary vomiting episode led to days of pain which led to extreme panic that I'd slipped my band (thankfully, all was well).

Looking forward to the next fill under fluoroscope with my doc. He's so cool.

Grieving

I talked at length with my therapist today about food. We seem to talk a lot about other issues, like school and work, and (mostly) family relationships. But, after the other night and my confrontation of a judgmental stranger, I wanted to talk food.

We talked about how I felt ready for such a question ("That's all you've lost?") because I've been asking it of myself for months. 

One critically important thing I'm taking away from today's session: I need to grieve food. Every time I get a fill, I feel like I'm being punished for eating: no more eating for me. When I get fills taken out, it's a celebration: I can eat! Well, eat like I want to eat. Which is too much. 

I need to get a fill and grieve the loss of my food. It's such a huge source of pleasure for me. My therapist told me that I have to grieve it and it will be a huge loss, but not one I can't learn to live without. 

I'm going to give that a try. I get my next fill on Monday.