popcorn again

today the popcorn was trouble-free.

wt this morning was 330.2. dude! i'm trying. my calories were 1100 yesterday! and i walked on monday! i'll give it a few days. i'm being very strict this week b/c of my friend's wedding this weekend.. the dress.. oh, the dress...

makes me think

I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,

But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,

Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,

And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,

Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,

And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

'til I finally died, which started the whole world living,

Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was one me.

popcorn

not so gud, akshuly. iz stuck. 

nom, nom.. slime.

from a blog comment on LBT

"You can buy a brand new car, but if you don't learn how to drive you'll never get anywhere. Would you sit in a new car and say, "OK, take me to the store." and then ask why you aren't getting anywhere? You have to USE the car to get where you want to go."

Indeed. 

well.

a heart of romaine, some shredded carrots, and two tablespoons of dressing two hours ago. i'm hungry and heating up a lean cuisine as we speak.

easter was yesterday and i did well. actually did well throughout the weekend at home. small portions. stayed full. really craving chocolate right now so that's not good.

goal: drop 10 this week by being super strict. gotta look fab in my dress this weekend. gotta FEEL fab. 

the scale

was at 334 on sunday. today i'm at 330.

yay? ugh. therapy session this week was all about mom and her style of encouragement. almost said "lack of encouragement there." doc thinks i should consider giving up on making or waiting for my mother to morph in the the supportive cheerleader she obviously is not.

i'll have to marinate on that one.

it's good friday and i'm in the law library. i've been here for an hour. i haven't started my paper yet.

but i'm going to. right now.

i only wish someone felt this way about me. it's what i need to be told.

You've got such a pretty smile

It's a shame the things

you hide behind it

let em go

Give it up for a while

Let em free and we will both go find it

I know there's nowhere you can hide it

I know the feeling of alone

I know that you do not feel invited

But, come back, come back in from the cold

Tell me how you really feel

Tell me what is on the inside of you

All the somethings you conceal

Only keep away the ones who love you

Step away then from the edge

Your best friend is life is not your mirror

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

I am here and I will be forever

I know there's nowhere you can hide it

I know the feeling of alone

Trust me and dont keep that on the inside

Soon you'll be locked out on your own

You're not alone

You're not alone

And don't say you've never been told

I'll be with you til we grow old

til I'm in the ground and I'm cold

I'm not sitting up here on some throne

Like a dog you can always come home

Dig up a bone

Look around

ugh. the dark place again.

going to the dark place. again. i hate it here. i also hate herr's
popcorn. and everything trader joe's makes. and chocolate. oh, and
myself. i started a 30-lbs-in-10-weeks challenge. that was 9 weeks
ago, and my weight is exactly the same. i've gone up, i've gone down.
i'm back to the start.

i'm getting to my dark place again. i hate it there. i've been
thinking more and more about regret. i'm starting to regret doing this
and not g.b. had i chosen differently, i wouldn't still be here. in
the same clothes. almost a year later. i'm so depressed.

i haven't worked out in two weeks. i'm so tired. i'm so depressed. i
work hard and barely anything happens. i'm just really, really
depressed right now.

i'm starving (TMI for the boys, probably)

but it's not b/c of my band. i have a positive side effect to weight loss that to most people is not positive. i have been getting my period regularly for five months now. incredible, since it was pretty much nonexistent for a few years. i'm pretty young and haven't had kids yet (and want several), so a big motivator for me in losing weight was the ability to ward off reproductive health issues that were beginning to become scarily apparent. not having your period for months, then years (erratically here and there does not count, to me) scared me.

anyway.

in august of last year i got it for the first time in ages. however, it was an insane mess. i passed clots the size of tennis balls and was laid up for over a week. never in my life have i experienced such a thing. my bathroom looked like a homicide scene. i almost called the doctor thinking i was hemorrhaging. it lasted about 10 days, severe exhaustion all the way through, and then it was over.

i didn't have anything until late november, clots included, but not as bad. lasted nearly two weeks. then, miraculously enough, i got it again on 1/1 with heavy cramping, etc. this time it lasted a week.

the same thing happened 2/1.

the same thing happened 3/1.

guess what happened on 4/1? i'm amazed. and really happy to be back to normal, although this time the clotting is pretty severe again. i'm really bad about taking my iron supplements (along with all my other vitamins), but i'm making damn sure to take them this week.

is it weird to be happy to have your period (and regularly, and heavily)? is it also weird to have a feeling of satisfaction in passing large clots? for some strange reason i feel like a real woman. being so large makes me feel mannish and unfeminine. then, not having my period for so long just made it worse. now that i'm closer to normal, i feel happy in my femininity - as crappy as it is and as big of a pain in the ass it is to have my period, i'm grateful for it.

however.

i'm STARVING this week. i'm craving salty and sweet and am basically going nuts. both yesterday and today i've eaten a big bag of herr's popcorn (total calories: 490. 35 grams of fat. YEESH) and m&ms. yes i bought chocolate. it started with the small packs from the little deli in my building. today i graduated to the medium-sized bags from the pharmacy. one each of plain and peanut. and popcorn. i am not restricting myself because i don't have any room left in the sanity bank to fight with myself. work has been insanely draining (emotionally) and school has too. oh, and the rest of my life; let's not forget about that, shall we?

i have a lot on my plate for this weekend. tomorrow i'm getting my nails done after work (and getting a tan.. i know.. i'm stopping after my friend's wedding in a few weeks), then trader joe's run.. then tomorrow night i'm eBaying it up. i have a lot to list of my own, and my mum has been on me since thanksgiving about putting her old clothes up. i hope the eBay market is doing better than retail. i have a lot of stuff to move.

saturday will entail (since my house is 100% sparkling clean, due to an impromptu mid-week family visit which i will not go into now) schoolwork. i need to get my paper started for seminar. that starts with research.

i have to fix my dvd player. after a month of ownership it crapped out. this one replaced the other toshiba player that crapped out after about 14 months. these things should not be disposable! if it's not fixable, i'm going to try to take it back to the warehouse store i bought it from, so i'll do that saturday.

sunday will be schoolwork for the week.. and sleeeeep

gotta go read for my counseling class that starts in 1/2 an hour.. posting this from the libs.

peace out,
legally banded

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