Wednesday, March 25, 2009


ok so this morning my first thought was, "ooh! i can eat one of those cookies for breakfast! yum!" because once they're gone, i'm not buying any more. they were part of my weekend binge and that's long over, so there. i took the box of the remaining three with the intent to eat them all. i sat in the chair in my bedroom and ate the first one,  and got stuck. 

long story, but i proceeded to get sick with the voms at home, in the car on the way to work, in the parking lot (including into a plastic grocery bag that had an effing hole in it so i got slime all over my pants and gearshift), in the bathroom at work three times - all in an hour and a half. it was a mess. i got really shaky at work and had to leave. after an hour of being in the office. i felt weak and a hot shaky mess. 

i went home and crashed on the couch (oh and when i went home i tried to take a drink of crystal light and i threw it up. this was two hours after i ate the effing cookie!) and fell asleep until about 1pm. i woke up and felt better.

a few hours later i tried to drink and all was well. ate some soft food with no problems. 

don't you know, though.. i finished the other two effing cookies before coming to school? there is a lot more wrong with me than can be discussed in this blog post, i'll tell ya that right now.

i'm at school, between classes, in the libs. i just twittered "i need new friends." my friends don't understand what this is like, one in particular, who i feel just doesn't listen to me. yet i consider her a best friend. she asked if i was mad at her and i told her it was a bad day, didn't feel well, etc. (she knows about the band but hates tmi so i am trying not to tell her how much i vom)... she asked me if she could get me a soda. a soda. a fucking soda. do you really not listen? you should be very aware by now that i haven't had a soda in over a year.

i have some thoughts on bulimia, while i'm at it (and then i have to go to class), but a trigger for later: does bulimia strictly mean bingeing and purging, or does the desire to binge have to be coupled with the desire to purge to qualify? i binge and i purge, but i don't purge by choice (or do i, knowing my band's limitations?)... just a triggering thought that's been nagging at me all day.

peace love and casebooks,
legally banded

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