Sunday, March 29, 2009

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328 today. A change of -5lbs from my last weigh-in, which I am pretty sure was just a week ago. Pretty good, if that's true. I haven't worked out, but I did get that fill. 

Had some vom issues yesterday and today. Well actually today and today. Starting around 1am.  Came home from a party, late, had the munchies, went to mcdonalds. Why? Because I must be a glutton for punishment, if not for nothing else. Ordered an insane amount of food (I'll confess. I ordered a Big Mac, a 10 piece mcnugget, and a double cheesburger. All for me). Ate one chicken nugget in the car. Ate two bites of Big Mac burger/fixins (no bread). Got sick immediately. Threw up a lot. What's interesting is that the puke was grey. It had been brown hamburger just minutes earlier and now it was grey. That grossed me out. Hopefully enough never to go back. I should know that McD's never ever stays in me and I am always the one to end up in pain. Yet I go back. I do think their food has an addictive quality. Anyway, I threw the rest of the food out and squirted a ton of dishwashing liquid over it so I wouldn't be tempted to take it out of the trash. Sick, but it needed to be done.

This morning (or shall I say, afternoon, sleeping beauty, who slept in till 12:15pm), I got up, laid in bed for a bit, had a shower, did a couple things around the house, and heated up some trader joe's potato latkes. Served up 2 with applesauce and tucked in. Two bites in, I was toast. I think I ate too fast. I was pretty hungry. I was sick for a couple of hours, though. Over two. Thank god it is sunday. 

I was able to eat later in the day. But I'm sore. Like I just did 1000 crunches. Not the way to rock hard abs. When will I ever learn?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


ok so this morning my first thought was, "ooh! i can eat one of those cookies for breakfast! yum!" because once they're gone, i'm not buying any more. they were part of my weekend binge and that's long over, so there. i took the box of the remaining three with the intent to eat them all. i sat in the chair in my bedroom and ate the first one,  and got stuck. 

long story, but i proceeded to get sick with the voms at home, in the car on the way to work, in the parking lot (including into a plastic grocery bag that had an effing hole in it so i got slime all over my pants and gearshift), in the bathroom at work three times - all in an hour and a half. it was a mess. i got really shaky at work and had to leave. after an hour of being in the office. i felt weak and a hot shaky mess. 

i went home and crashed on the couch (oh and when i went home i tried to take a drink of crystal light and i threw it up. this was two hours after i ate the effing cookie!) and fell asleep until about 1pm. i woke up and felt better.

a few hours later i tried to drink and all was well. ate some soft food with no problems. 

don't you know, though.. i finished the other two effing cookies before coming to school? there is a lot more wrong with me than can be discussed in this blog post, i'll tell ya that right now.

i'm at school, between classes, in the libs. i just twittered "i need new friends." my friends don't understand what this is like, one in particular, who i feel just doesn't listen to me. yet i consider her a best friend. she asked if i was mad at her and i told her it was a bad day, didn't feel well, etc. (she knows about the band but hates tmi so i am trying not to tell her how much i vom)... she asked me if she could get me a soda. a soda. a fucking soda. do you really not listen? you should be very aware by now that i haven't had a soda in over a year.

i have some thoughts on bulimia, while i'm at it (and then i have to go to class), but a trigger for later: does bulimia strictly mean bingeing and purging, or does the desire to binge have to be coupled with the desire to purge to qualify? i binge and i purge, but i don't purge by choice (or do i, knowing my band's limitations?)... just a triggering thought that's been nagging at me all day.

peace love and casebooks,
legally banded

Monday, March 23, 2009

another fill, bit more depressed

so i saw the surgeon again today. two weeks since my last appointment. i've lost three pounds. is it wrong to feel utter disappointment in that? 

i asked the doc what amount of food i should be eating. he's so patient with me. he never has one-word answers or seems cross that i ask a seemingly stupid question. he told me that he's not really interested in a certain size, e.g. half a cup. he says it's more important to eat until i'm full, and no more. he doesn't want me to get hung up on measuring. he doesn't want me to feel hunger, either. 

i also asked him if i should be worried that now i'm at 8 ccs and the band holds 9. he said, with a chuckle, not to worry (he's all about allaying my fears, isn't he??); that this might be "the one," and there's a lot of fill potential between 8 and 9 ccs (in .1 increments, that is). also, he said that he's filled these bands over 9ccs, that they can take it. i hope i never find out. i'm comfortable with the manufacturer's suggestions, thankyouverymuch.

i don't think my problem lately is physical hunger. scratch that, i know it's not. i rarely feel physical hunger. it's all in my head.

i am starting the realize band research study online tomorrow. it runs for four days. they're paying us in amazon dot com money. i had the kickoff conference call today. a handful of people from all around the country called in. one woman, who was very annoying, interrupted the moderator to inform us all that she was down 89 lbs in 7 months. whoop de do. thanks! now i feel even more miserable about not being able to break -60lbs in nearly ten months. nine months and three weeks, to be exact.

it's a general depression. i haven't worked out in a few days (since friday). i ate all i wanted all weekend and gained .8lbs. who knows what i could have done without a band... 

my goal = my desire to lose weight - panicking about becoming someone different + extrinsic rewards like feeling better and having my clothes feel looser - my intense addiction to eating.

that's a complicated equation.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

ok. day 4 of the new fill.

and a breakthrough in therapy today. i've embraced the fact that i need therapy to survive this incredibly difficult ordeal. i cannot lose this weight and become a healthy individual without professional help of all kinds. a psychologist is no exception.


i had a breakthrough in our session today. i actually have two, often conflicting personalities: the first is the inner child who throws temper tantrums and defies authority, and the second is the inner parent, who scolds and reprimands the inner child.

You cannot tell my inner child not to do something. I will do it. Conversely, if you tell me to do something, I will procrastinate immensely, if I do it at all. Same goes for if you tell me i should do something; I won't do it. I'm not often conscious of this. 

the inner child of mine wants what she wants when she wants it and will stop at nothing until she gets it. for example, the cookies i've been eating lately. the inner parent steps in and scolds the inner child about eating the cookies. there's guilt all around. it's very annoying.

i'm also feeling frustrated and angry. i'm midway though my 10-week 30-lb challenge, and with all the ups and downs in my weight, i'm exactly where i started 5 weeks ago. it's incredibly frustrating... which, now that i've explained my inner child, you'll see that it will have a completely opposite desired effect: instead of my frustration at a slow weight loss motivating me, it deters me and discourages me.

i walked on my treadmill for 20 mins today and dailyplate-tracked every bite. i got stuck on some chips and salsa and threw up some afterbirth. i was feeling stuck on the treadmill so i did it a little slower than normal. but i did it. all i wanted to do was take a nap before class tonight. but i didn't; i walked. 

watching bridget jones' diary on tv.. i would love it if a handsome brit told me that he liked me.. just as i am. i would really like it for me to be able to say the same to myself. and believe it.


my goal of 30 lbs in 10 weeks is not going very well. 5 weeks in and i've been up and down and i'm at the weight i started at. 

i want to scream.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

another fill, another vom

so i got a fill yesterday. i am at 7.5ccs again. doc says that since he had to unfill my band after "the episode," it may take more fill to get to the same level of restriction i was at before. i want to be at a lesser level, though, so i agreed to going back to 7.5ccs.

i think i am too tight :(

i had grilled chicken and lettuce at lunch today - no problems! i was full after two halves of a breast (so one small breast in total) and some lettuce. i wasn't hungry for hours, even though i really WANTED to eat. it was my first visit to a red robin and i resisted a chocolate milkshake. i wanted it so bad but i was good! 


i stopped at taco bell after class (did you know that the crunchy taco supreme has only 200 calories?). i ordered the spicy chicken burrito (without the tortilla it's not a completely unwise calorie choice) b/c i really wanted it.  i started eating it in the car, and i ate some of the tortilla (like two bites!) and got stuck. in the car. on my 20 minute drive home. i was able to throw up into a plastic shopping bag (i keep a few in the car for just such an emergency..) while i was driving. i amaze myself.

anyway. i thought it was over and wanted to eat the taco i'd ordered. when i got home i got through about half of it and got that stuck too. so i spent the next hour vommin' in the bathroom. awesome.

my fills usually loosen up after a few days. i'm supposed to go see the doc again in two weeks. here's hopin i can make it that long and that this loosens up! 

Monday, March 9, 2009

should i be offended here?

i've been at my job for 3.5 years. i've never been sent out to do investigative work for some of our non-environmental cases. our new paralegal, paralegal B (who hates it and is quitting, incidentally) has been here for a matter of weeks and attorney D sent her out to do an investigation/client interview today. attorney D knows how much non-environmental experience i want/need, and while paralegal B his paralegal now, i can't help but to wonder whether attorney D didn't want a person that looks like me interviewing clients. i'm just thinking on paper here, but it was a reaction that i had. am i overreacting?

Saturday, March 7, 2009


i've been twittering my big fat head off instead of blogging like i said i would. it's just easier to tweet my feelings out into the abyss.

i've been doing well. well, up until this week. i made myself a deadline (friend's wedding in april - to which i have a DATE - more on that later) and a goal. 30 lbs in 10 weeks.

now that i look at it, completely unrealistic, since i have only been able to lose 55lbs since may. really smart, chick. but, i started religiously using and using their calculator, am able to determine what my calorie goals should be. i can also input any exercise and it's sort of like a piggy bank. i exercise and earn calorie credits. to lose about 4 lbs a week, i should be eating a little over 1600 calories. for the first two weeks I DID GREAT! i lost 7 lbs, worked out almost every day. it was great. then i got my period and this week was shot to shit.

i hadn't been normal in years but for the past four months it's been like clockwork! i'm so happy b/c this means that my body is getting back to normal. it eases my fears about obesity-related conception issues later in life when i'll be ready for a family. 


this week was a bear. prepping for part of the bar exam (ethics portion; you can take it before you graduate. this was my second go-round. i didn't get the scores needed the first time. great for the confidence, i tell ya). work was INSANE. two people are quitting. got in a screaming match with our secretary. cried to one of my attorneys. got screamed at by clients b/c my attorneys aren't responsible. off from school for spring break but had to study for the exam. which i didn't do much of. 

because my heart isn't in school anymore. had mini-breakdown on phone with mom thursday night about it. just don't care about law anymore. being told that i may not be able to go abroad b/c my gpa is too low hurt, and i didn't think about it/pushed it aside until this week. i just felt so blue! i ate all week. didn't count any calories past breakfast into TDP. baked and ate a cake in three days (minus one huge piece i brought to work for a coworker's birthday; incidentally, not one of the gals who is quitting). ordered and ate chinese. mcdonalds. taco bell. you effing name it. i feel like a house.

oh and to make matters worse, i didn't exercise. at all. in an entire week.

monday i start over. i'm not going to start over tomorrow. i need another day.

side note, i have a theory. i'm at 7ccs right now and i can EAT. i wonder: i eat a lot of salads. could i have stretched my pouch? b/c i can eat cups and cups of the stuff...

more on that later. i meet with my surgeon on monday afternoon. hope i get a fill. 7.5 was too tight last time, but that was before the whole "too tight/emergency gastrografin" episode. let's see, shall we?

here's to skinny thoughts.