Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New jeans

I've been needing new jeans desperately. My size 26 Avenue denim lite stretch bootcuts have been falling off of me.

Last week, I tried a 24 at Lane Giant. No go - not very stretchy and very thick denim - besides, they didn't fit. Too small.

A few days ago, while at home, my mom and I went to Avenue. Well, I went to Avenue and dragged my mom along. I tried 24s.. they fit! Then the salesgirl said that these are very stretchy and if I could, try a 22. Shah, riiight!

They FIT! Well, blow me down! I could not believe it! They fit in the waist (even had a little room!) and were about as stretchy as the other ones I had been wearing. They were much more fitted than I am used to.. but that reminds me of something I discuss in therapy as it relates to my band (and now my clothing): Sometimes, what feels too tight is actually just right.

Weekly weigh-in

A little late this week.. Merry Christmas! 314.4.. I had pie and now weigh pi.. ha! Lost weight over the holidays. I'll take it!

Turns out, I'm terrible at math. No surprise there. I thought I was closing in on -80lbs but it's actually -70lbs. Cause I can subtract. Really, really well.

Anyway, I'm officially -70.6lbs! Wooooooot!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Weekly weigh-in

315.6!! I lost two pounds this week.. a crazy week - finals, car trouble, snowed in, the works. Two pounds! WOOT WOOT!

This means that I'm only 0.6lbs away from EIGHTY POUNDS LOST!! That's about fifty pounds more than I've ever been able to lose pre-band.

I'm a happy camper today.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Weekly weigh-in

317.6.... a loss of 2 pounds this week. Allllright.

Friday, December 11, 2009

not working..

I'm unemployed! By choice. But it's finals week. Lots of junk in the house, but I'm okay. Yes, I bought Coke. A 12-pack. Or three. So far, I've only had 1 a day.

Saw this on another blog and figured I'd do it. Hey, any way to pass the time by not studying!

Last Movie I Saw In A Movie Theater? Twilight: New Moon
What Book Are You Reading? Anita Shreve's A Wedding in December (sloooooow going)
Favorite Board Game? Sorry!
Favorite Magazine? Glamour
Favorite Smells? Movie popcorn, clean linen candles, Polo cologne, new books
Favorite Sounds? Tennis ball smashes, walking on gravel, piano keys tinkling
Worst Feeling In The World? Being unprepared (Amazing for a procrastinator like me, I know)
First Thing You Think of When You Wake? Is it Saturday? Can I sleep in?
Favorite Fast Food Place? Junky fast food: Taco Bell. “Higher-end” fast food: Saladworks ($10 for a salad?!)
Future Child’s Name? I have a few picked out. For a girl: Avery, Maggie, Molly.. For a boy: Andrew, Luke
Finish This Statement—“If I Had a Lot of Money,” I'd pay off my student loans, my mom's mortgage, buy a Range Rover, and buy a couple of beachfront properties for my family. And do small claims work.
Do You Drive Fast? I rarely go above 80-85 on the highway.
Do You Sleep With a Stuffed Animal? No.. but I think I'd like to!
Storms—cool or scary? Both. Scary if I'm alone and it's dark out and the power goes out.
What Was Your First Car? A buick. So not cool.
Favorite Drink? French martini - vodka, chambord, pineapple juice
Finish This Statement—“If I Had the Time, I Would…” Scrapbook, knit, list a TON of stuff on eBay
Do You Eat the Stems on Broccoli? Nah.
If You could Dye your Hair Any Other Color, What Would It Be? Platinum blonde or vibrant red. Who am I kidding, I want my current hair color with a chunky purple stripe. Seriously.
Favorite Sport to Watch? I hate watching sports. HATE.
What’s Under Your Bed? I have a bunch of flattened boxes under there right now. Waiting to pack and move.
Would You Like to Be Born As Yourself Again? Yes..
Morning Person or Night Owl? Definitely not a morning person..
Over Easy or Sunny Side Up? Over-medium, please. Not too firm, not too runny.
Favorite Place to Relax? The corner of my L-shaped couch.
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor? Chocolate or choco-mint chip

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Weekly weigh-in and a new chapter

So this morning I weighed in at 319.6. My lowest to date! Slow but sure. It's nice to see when I'm not trying - I'm not counting calories and I certainly haven't been exercising.

But that's about to change.

This past week I ended my job as a paralegal. It was time - I didn't want to be an attorney there and I need time off to study for my finals, and in a few weeks, the bar exams. So this week was my last week of full-time employment. I'm very numb. I didn't get much of a send-off, but it was more emotional for me than I expected. It's ending a huge chapter in my life. I'm also finding myself having fleeting panic attacks and "what did I just do?!" moments. After asking myself whether I did the right thing in quitting (money! health insurance! security! eek!), I remind myself of the hell that firm has put me through. The humiliation. The belittling. The public sarcasm. I can't imagine being there much longer and not turning into a giant asshole. So, yes, I did the right thing. I hate this state and can't wait to get out.

So now I have final exams. My last law school classes (EVER!) were this week. I had a lot to drink this week, needless to say. I have three finals (one class already ended) and they're all next week. I have a lot of work to do. But it's nice to know that my time is now 100% my own, and should I be ready to walk on my treadmill for a few minutes, I'll actually have those minutes to give it a go.

Monday, November 30, 2009

I would REALLY like

to eat a meal. Half a meal, even. Just some fricken food! Two bites of
catfish. CATFISH! Mushy, soft fish. Sick. AGAIN.

I'm super stressed right now. This is my last week at my job. I'm
quitting b/c of the bar exam and finals are coming up within the next
two weeks and I'm not even remotely prepared. So apparently this means
I can't eat.

Life at 9.25.. sometimes wide open, other times.. sealed shut

I'm still sick today! Threw up my few sips of protein shake this
morning and was gross and grumbly all morning. I had some applesauce
late this afternoon, and attempted a granola bar. I kept it down, but
boy is my tummy angry :(

Sunday, November 29, 2009


I ate a few bites of turkey taco meat, shredded lettuce, salsa, and
guac and I've been sick for over two hours. Annoying.

Weekly weigh-in


Sent from my mobile device

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

my port

I'm feeling some port pain today.. maybe pain is too strong of a word.. I'm feeling port soreness today. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


ugh.. case of the two-bite voms last night. got sick for a couple of hours. today, I was hungry. ate some applesauce, a few pieces of popcorn, then a few bites of a very soft tuna on rye. sick! that was three and a half hours ago and my stomach is STILL a mess. I've stopped puking but the tea I'm drinking is just sort of sitting there. and I'm hungry! annooooyyyyinnnng. 

Monday, November 23, 2009


I'm fricking STARVING this morning. It's not even 10am!! Eating some hummus and cukes. 

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Weekly weigh-in


Sent from my mobile device

Monday, November 16, 2009

life at 9.25

haven't been hungry ALL DAY!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Weekly weigh in

321.2! I lost over three pounds this week!

I got another fill on Wednesday so now I'm back to 9.25cc. That's
where I was when I couldn't swallow my own spit. See what happens!

Sent from my mobile device

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

So today

A coworker stops me in the hall and says, "I just want you to know, I really admire you for the way you've tackled your weight loss." She said I looked good and that it's noticeable.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Weekly weigh-in

was 325.2 today.. a loss of 0.8. amazinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. sarc sarc sarc.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Weekly weigh-in...

...was 326.0 this week. Bastards! Up two-point-something but it's 'bout that time.. and I'm feeling very.. ugh.

Printed some info about the Couch-to-5K program. Gonna give it a shot! 3 workouts a week. I can handle, yes/yes?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Worth a thousand words.

Nuff said.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Weekly weigh-in



AGAIN! to the tenth.. same as last week.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009





Monday, October 5, 2009


Did a little calculation this morning. I had 210lbs to lose. I've lost 57. 

I've completed 27% of my weight loss already! That makes me feel good. So does hearing my Mom tell me this weekend to keep up the good work, that she can see a difference from our last visit.

I felt thin this weekend (even though I'm very far from it). It felt good. 

Thursday, October 1, 2009

not really hungry

I'm not really that hungry this morning. I had some, erm, issues last night.

I had physical therapy after work (I have plantar fasciitis) and I was on my way to school when I decided to stop at Wendy's for a bite to eat. I wasn't starving but I thought that since it was only 6:00 and I would be in class till 10, I should probably get something.

I ordered a baked potato, a grilled chicken wrap, and a small frosty. 

When I got to school, I dressed up my potato with sour cream and took a bite. Then another. Then I got stuck. I was stuck for two and a half hours. I threw up several times in my car (I have a bag for just such a purpose), in the school bathroom before class, and I actually had to get up during class to go puke my brains out (the wobbly, I-feel-like-the-flu kind of puke, which was, thankfully, my last episode of the night).

I made it through class, though, and at home I ate some ice cream. I even ate a few pieces of popcorn. Then I went to bed, but no sleep until almost 1:00. 

This morning I'm not really hungry, but I just ate some applesauce so I could take Accutane. Yum. 

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Snack time

Applesauce to take Accutane. Bar bc I'm still hungry.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


I'm at 9cc now......
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Forget pills.. I'm trying to keep three sips of iced coffee down.

I'm at 9.25 ccs. Using barium, the doc said this looks like good restriction. I have a 9cc band. Excuse me, I need to vom. 

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I started taking Accutane today. My skin has become an oil slick in the past couple of years, and no creams or antibiotics have been able to tame it. I can literally touch my skin and see oil droplets. It's gross. Plus, my acne is not good. Sometimes I get cysts or nodules and they're so painful. I've tried just about every acne med on the market (yes, including Proactiv - and that made it WORSE!).

Accutane is supposed to permanently remove the oil problem, thereby reducing acne flareups. I'm taking the generic form called Sotret, as the brand Accutane got pulled from the market back in June.

Since I can't take pills with my band, I'm cutting the gel-coated capsule and squeezing the thick liquid into 4oz of applesauce. It's orange and doesn't mix well, but the pill itself is probably too large to swallow whole, a little narrower than 1cm and a more than 1cm long.

Tomorrow I get my first fill under the fluoroscope. I'll ask my doc then about how big a pill I should be able to take. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


It's only 10am and I'm HUNGRY :(

Monday, August 31, 2009

I did something good!

This morning, I worked out. I did arm stuff with my free weights. Holy hell, do I feel like jello.

But, good jello!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

ENT checkup

Successful (sorta) trip to the ear/nose/throat doc this morning. I had my tonsils removed two days before Christmas '08 and have been following up ever since. 

The doc saw that I had a sleep study to get medical clearance for my band last year, and requested a repeat study to see if the "severe obstructive sleep apnea" I had had improved.

It has!

I refuse to use a CPAP machine because they scare the ever-loving shit out of me. Before my band surgery, I stopped breathing 45 times an hour (none during REM - but the ENT doc thinks I just didn't get to REM during that study). Now, after both the band/losing 55+ lbs and having my enormous tonsils removed, I stopped breathing 7 times a night, but 22 during REM.

Now, the ENT doc thinks it's great improvement and all, but he attributes "the great majority" of the improvement to - wait for it - HIS work in removing my tonsils! I quickly added that "perhaps losing nearly 60lbs helped?"

He was sure to say that it was a great start, but that I should keep "trying" to lose weight. 

I was already in a foul mood because he was 45 minutes late - as in, kept me waiting 45 minutes - and I had to be at work, where my boss had a project waiting for me to discuss with him. Naturally. When I'm late. 

Ugh. Doctors. 

Monday, August 17, 2009

another fill, a renewed hope

I have gained 9 lbs. It's insane. My ability to eat is huge. Like, I ate two bagels. This morning. Before noon. Not toasted.

Holy shit.

Saw the doc today.... and saw the scale.... and was determined to get back to a higher fill level. My therapist had another pearl of wisdom last week: maybe what I thought was too much was just right. The fact that I couldn't eat much when I was tighter.. is the whole point. Duh.

I asked for - and received - another 0.5ccs, so I went from 7.75 to 8.25 ccs. It's not the highest level I've been to, but may be what I need.

The doc wants to do my next fill under x-ray. I'll have to schedule that within the next couple of weeks. Very cool. I've had an x-ray before:
See my band? It's pretty cool. I had this x-ray several months ago when that particularly scary vomiting episode led to days of pain which led to extreme panic that I'd slipped my band (thankfully, all was well).

Looking forward to the next fill under fluoroscope with my doc. He's so cool.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I talked at length with my therapist today about food. We seem to talk a lot about other issues, like school and work, and (mostly) family relationships. But, after the other night and my confrontation of a judgmental stranger, I wanted to talk food.

We talked about how I felt ready for such a question ("That's all you've lost?") because I've been asking it of myself for months. 

One critically important thing I'm taking away from today's session: I need to grieve food. Every time I get a fill, I feel like I'm being punished for eating: no more eating for me. When I get fills taken out, it's a celebration: I can eat! Well, eat like I want to eat. Which is too much. 

I need to get a fill and grieve the loss of my food. It's such a huge source of pleasure for me. My therapist told me that I have to grieve it and it will be a huge loss, but not one I can't learn to live without. 

I'm going to give that a try. I get my next fill on Monday. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

support group

Well, I attended my first support group tonight. I've been post-op for over a year, but haven't been able to get to any support groups b/c of school and work, and always having class when they're held.

I thought it would be post-op bandsters only, but it was kind of a bandster free-for-all. Only about five of the thirty+ people there were post-ops. I was able to contribute a lot about my experience, and that made me feel good. What also made me feel good was when the patient liaison, co-chair of the group, called me by name. She remembers me! yay!

I had an interesting experience afterwards. I was talking to a pre-op woman behind me who had asked a few important and well-thought questions during the meeting. She wanted to know a few more things, so I was talking to her. Four more joined and asked me questions. I felt awesome! until..

This one skinny bitch (scusi, but she was!) kept interrupting. "Do you drink alcohol? How much soda do you drink? You hungry?" It irritated me, but I reminded myself that I was a question-filled pre-op once, too, so I answered her questions honestly.

Very quickly, though, she asked, "When was your surgery?" I told her, "May '08." Her next question - inevitably and without missing a beat - "and how much have you lost?"

"Almost sixty," I told her with a smile. After all, those were hard pounds to lose! And they were mine!

Her response?

wait for it..

wait foorrr it...

"Oh. That's all?"

I kind of sensed it was coming, so I had a mini-moment to prepare myself. I turned in my chair to face her directly, and, still smiling (though not quite as warmly), I answered in a clear, firm voice, so that I could be heard.

"Yes. 'That's all' I have lost. I hope you have an easier time with your surgery. It is not easy for anyone and I worked hard to lose as much as I have."

I went on to answer more questions from other pre-ops, but I made a point to keep coming back to this woman.

"It's really difficult to be on this side of surgery, more than you can imagine. It is a constant struggle. But I chose a band for a reason. I wanted to lose slowly, though I didn't realize it would be this hard. I chose the slow-but-steady route because I knew that if I didn't get the chance to fix my head, the reason I got fat in the first place, the surgery would not be successful, either for regain or 'head' issues."

She interrupted me then. "Well I wanna lose a hundred in the first year." First of all, she could not weigh more than 250, TOPS. And she was not a tiny woman, so 100 would have been plenty for her frame.

"Well, in that case," I told her, "maybe you should look into gastric bypass. Good luck with that." I was not putting up with this shit. No way. "If you want to drop weight and do it fast, bypass is great for you. For me, it's more important to have time to adjust to a new body, a new lifestyle, a new way of relating to food than to get skinny quick. But, hey, if that's what you want, have fun." I was gaining momentum. "You can drop 100 in a year with a band too, you know. If you work it, you can do it. I struggled with getting the right amount of fluid in my band to physically stop the hunger and the overeating. I struggle with exercise because of my schedule. See, I work full time. And I go to school full time. At night. So, yes, 'that's all' I've lost in this past year. But you know what?"

She looked at me quizzically. "I have kept it off. I've never been able to do that. And, furthermore, I am getting to know who I can be without the weight. I've never met her, and I have to live with her for the rest of my life, so I'd kind of like to get to know her. I've changed. My personality has changed. A lot. That's not easy to deal with. Again, good luck to you."

I was friendly but firm. After I was getting up to leave, she thanked me and apologized. I told her that we're all sensitive people. Labels and attention to the negative can be hurtful. "You're going to be on the other side someday soon," I warned her, "and it would be really helpful to be supported by people around you. You'll see."

I feel really good about standing up for myself, my decision, my struggle, my story. My life.

Monday, August 10, 2009

it's been a while, i know.

i've been away for school most of the summer. it was wonderful. i visited four countries and grew as a person. i feel so much more capable to take on the world now. also i feel more relaxed, adopting a very european "whatever will be, will be" kind of attitude. it's faded some in the 3 weeks i've been back at work, but i try to bring it to the surface as often as it's needed. which is pretty often.

i lost 9.6lbs on my trip! it felt good to see such a nice loss (over 35 days). i never counted calories. i ate ice cream at least once a day. i drank a lot of white wine. but i walked the shit out of my new birkenstocks. so much so that i felt different. more capable. more strong.

and i haven't really walked since. a HUGE drop in activity. i feel like i've gained all the weight back and probably then some. i'm also still exhausted, not really having a good solid rest in 8 weeks. i've been sleeping and sitting for the past 3 to rest from the previous 5 weeks! 

i had to go to lane giant the other day. there's a top that i've been dying some plus-size designer to make for ages (boat neck, cutouts on the sleeves so there's bare skin but the top of the arm, so i'm comfortable). i saw it in their ad and contemplated ordering it online, but i decided to go in and make sure i liked it. tried a 26/28 and a 22/24. some of my clothes are 22/24 and others are still 26/28s. i feel more comfortable in 26/28s but i do admit that sometimes a 22/24 looks better. anyway, i tried one of each and the 22/24 definitely fit, and fit well. what i thought was fit is really too big - the 26/28 looked fine to me, but when i tried the 22/24, i could see a difference. the bigger clothes really do make you look bigger! 

i bought a knitty cardi too, in basic black, to replace the craptastic avenue polyester monstrosity i'd been clinging to for three years. i got it in a 26/28 because i like my sweaters big. 

ANYWAY. my story does have a point. as i get to the register, i am chatting with the sales clerks when i mention how much i love this top with the cutouts and it would be perfect if it was not made sheer at the shoulder. the way it's made, i have to wear a strapless bra. the eager assistant (gay man, love love love seeing a gay man working at lane giant. he's FABULOUS) said i should buy a bra with clear straps. i didn't want to spend more money. he saw my coupon and told me i was already at $99, and the bras are buy one get one 50% off. i told him i needed to be measured. i was measured before my surgery last spring and bought a new set of bras with no underwire (i'd not ever worn a no-wire bra, thinking they'd be terribly unsupportive, but these were great!). recent pictures of me, however, show that i need new bras. i know they're big. the extra fabric looks stupid under clothes and i looked downright saggy! i was wearing 46DD bras.

he measured me (after asking if it was ok that he did it, how cute is THAT!) and... 

i'm a 42! woot woot. granted, he measured me at 42DDD, so that's up a cup size, but i'm tickled about the band size, which is what matters to me. he picked out two beautiful bras, one in a 42DD and the other in a 42DDD. i loved them both, and one works with my new top! I spent $100 exactly after my coupon and the sales and got great stuff. oh and i got realwoman dollars to spend in a few weeks. i love a bargain, but i really love the difference in clothes. 

i'll be buying more bras in a few weeks! :)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


coca-cola will be the death of me. more details to come. 

Friday, June 5, 2009


weigh-in: 336-point-i-stopped-looking. bad. i know. bad.

just. bad.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


i got in yesterday for a small un-fill (have i blogged about this yet?) so now i'm at 8.0ccs. the PA took out 0.5ccs. i could swear i blogged about this already. oh, well.

ate a whole piece of chicken and some rice for dinner last night. it was heavenly.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

sweet, sweet relief

school's over and i have been SO TIGHT. even without that stress. i saw the therapist today, who happened to be seeing patients at the surgery center (affiliated and all). i asked to get snuck in for a small un-fill. i had to see the PA instead of a real doc, but i thought an unfill was routine enough. i had 8.5 ccs and asked to take out 0.5 ccs (the amount of my last fill 4 weeks ago). i gained 0.2lbs. according to their scale today, i weighed 331.8 and last time i weighed 331.6. four weeks. 

i have another appt (my original next appt) in two weeks. here's hoping i lose some damn weight. i am going to be working out again now that school is over. starting tomorrow! 

Monday, May 18, 2009



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Sunday, May 17, 2009

vom city

ugh. got out of class early, but was dying for some food! 

got home, ate a few chips and salsa. voms. felt better. ate a few bites of taquito. stuck. vom. 

just one of those days, i guess.


Yeah I'm eating a lot. Yeah it's all crap. Yeah I'm taking an insane
class for seven days. Yeah I feel horrible. No I haven't weighed
myself. Yes, b/c I think it's bad.

Tried to eat tuna salad and lettuce at lunch. Two bites then stuck. No
voms. Fiber bar mid-afternoon, no prob. 3/4 bag chips 90 mins later
and slimey but not gonna vom. FML.

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

i'll be back

going through a crazy time with a week-long summer class. it's really intense. 

ohai, eating like a cow? missed you.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


330.0 this morning. OMG.

Sent from my mobile device

Friday, May 8, 2009


last final done (last night). i'm officially on summer break.

and i've been eating like a cow this week. i feel horrible. as soon as this weekend is through, i'm back on track. i need a little down time before i get serious again. i'm still really wound up.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

i'm alive

in the middle of finals week. be back soon.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


I weighed in this morning..

323.0!! That's a 2.6 loss since yesterday. I've met my milestone of
60 and just zoomed right past it to -62lbs!

I'm thrilled, but worried a bit about this fill. There are so many
variables right now that are preventing me from running back to the
surgeon for a small un-fill. My period, stress over finals week, and
some weather issues all have me wound up. Plus this fill is new, and
all new fills are supertight in the beginning.

If I'm still throwing up as often as I am (almost every day) by the
end of the week, I'll call the doc.

But for now..

I'm gonna enjoy this high!


True Life: I'm Uncomfortable With My New Body

Wow. Just.. wow

Still watching it, but there's a 21-year-old boy that had Lap Band!
and they showed him getting an unfill and then a fill!

Lap Band! ON MTV!

We're mainstream, people!

oh, come ON

studying all day with my study buddy, here at my house. drank iced
coffee until after 2pm (wasn't hungry). ate about a half piece of
chicken (tiny pieces, slowly) and was fine.

around 7-ish we picked up sushi. i ate half a shrimp dumpling (the
thinnest wonton wrappers you'll ever see - practically no dough
whatsoever) and one small piece of spicy tuna roll. i was sick for

i kept going back and forth to the bathroom while my poor study buddy
patiently waited. she knows about my surgery, but it was horrible. i
started throwing up white foam after a while! crazy. if this continues
i may need a small unfill, but i'm not making any decisions about that
for a few more days, at least.

ate a little ice cream a few minutes ago. i feel better.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I lost 2lbs yesterday. I am now at 325.6

Just 0.6 away from my ever-elusive next milestone of 60lbs lost! woot

Friday, May 1, 2009


i'm done. 

gurgly gurgly

couple bites of a lean cuisine (why, roasted turkey breast with mashed and gravy, thanks for askin!)  and i'm a gurgly mess.

gurgle gurgle. should i quit now.. i'm not technically hungry anymore. just uncomfortable. gurgle, gurgle.

weighed in this am

and i've been exactly - to the tenth - the same weight for three days now. odd. i'm usually always up/down. oh, and how fabulous is this: i have finals this week and next and i got my period (RIGHT ON TIME!) yesterday. fab. u. lous.

had an easier time eating last night. able to eat almost a cup of turkey taco meat, a handful of chips, and a few cups of popcorn. hope the tightness isn't loosening up :(

Thursday, April 30, 2009


after the noon-ish popcorn episode, i wasn't in any hurry to eat. i wasn't even hungry. till i got a little hungry about an hour ago. i made a salad like i normally do (no cukes, and about half as much lettuce). ate about half! so half a piece of chicken. a little gurgly now. see what happens. 

um, yeah, about that no vom thing

scratch that. 

a little nom, no vom (so far)

had a large iced mocha latte lite for bfast.. took until noon to finish.. just ate a little popcorn.. not even a cup.. and i'm a little slimey and trying to burp. prob not gonna vom, but i'm REALLY full.

this. fill. is. incredible.

btw, weighed this AM. 327.6. same as yesterday. curiosity got the better of me. also my lsbff (law school best friend forever) said it looks like i've lost weight. she's one of 2 LS buds that know about my band. woot, woot! 

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

and voms AGAIN!

came home from school, wired as all hell (probably had something to do
with that huge iced skim latte, no?) and had 1/3 pint of haagen-dazs
(ohyeah), a few pieces of popcorn, then a few teaspoons of turkey taco
meat and cheese with MAYBE four tostitos scoops (they're small). and
i'm vommin. oy.


no more gulping for me. 2nd time today i got stuck on liquids!!!


made my usual.. heart of romaine, almost a full piece of chicken breast, cukes, ranch. 

and can't eat more than half! not even half! 


a case of the early morning voms


i'm exhausted this morning. things were going fairly well last night, my first post-fill food. our last seminar class had pizza and soda. i ate a half a slice of pizza. very, very slowly. it was pretty cold. but i took minuscule bites and chewed to the death. no problem! 

when i got home i was still "hungry" - as in, i'm not sure i was physically hungry but i had the munchies. i ate some popcorn. ate about a third of what i can usually polish off and felt full, then started sliming. great! no voms tho. it passed. much later, i heated up some turkey taco meat and cheese and ate about 2/3 cup of that (guesstimate) with a few chips and some salsa. i felt really full after that. like, woah. 

had some crystal light and went to bed, still feeling really full - to the point of bursting. 

this morning, i still felt tight, and didn't feel any hunger pangs like i've been feeling in the morning sometimes (especially after a late dinner the night before, as is the case 5 days a week). had my shower, groggily took my three medicines (all liquids, each about a half a shot or a teaspoon). 

then, did something [apparently] stupid; i gulped down a healthy-sized swig of crystal light. room temperature, if you're wondering. pretty soon after, i'd say within a minute or so, as i'm gathering my things to leave for work, i feel it. reallyfullomgstuck. stuck. on effing crystal light. stuck! i move around a little. maybe i've trapped some air/gas since i gulped (although up until this fill never had an issue gulping liquids). i tried to burp, but i got that horrible feeling: i can bring up a burp halfway up my chest but then it gets trapped. AGONY.

then i started sliming. again, on EFFING CRYSTAL LIGHT. i had no choice but to keep going to work. i spit a couple times before getting in the car (soooo gross and unladylike, but i was DYING). grabbed a bag i had just put in my trunk (thank god! side note: i have a loaner car this week b/c my car is in the shop for some transmission work. all my stuff is in my car, including such lifesavers as (though not for vom purposes but still handy) plastic grocery bags, napkins, baby wipes, etc). i barely coughed into the bag and a ton of liquid came up (really no effort involved). i threw up twice more on my way to work (while driving. i am so talented). and once again in the parking garage. the bag was fairly heavy, in my opinion. i'd say at least a cup or so. gross and TMI, i know. 

i'm at work now and i feel 10000% better. i may even drink a protein shake in a bit. i probably threw up all my meds though. AWESOME! happy wednesday, world...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

yeah. about that haagen-dazs

ate the rest of the pint this afternoon. i'm a little hungry now. and, erm, a little queasy. not queasy queasy... just.. lactose-intolerant-queasy.


about an inch off the pint of haagen-dazs and i'm full. interesting. 

Monday, April 27, 2009

aw MAN!

made farina. not as thin as i usually make it after a fill, but not as thick as the recipe calls for. ate about 2/3 cup and was full.. and then i was STUCK! on fairly-runny hot cereal! 

been vomming afterbirth-type junk for about a half hour now. i hope it ends soon and this doesn't (a) mean i'm too tight; (b) screw up my fill; (c) screw up my band b/c i'm vomming so soon after a fill.

le sigh. now i really need to finish this paper. it's due tomorrow and the citations are a friggin nightmare.


Now at 8.5cc. I lost 6lbs since I saw him 4 weeks ago. He is pleased.
I am not. But, with no exercise, I shouldn't complain. Right? I see
him again in six weeks. Longest followup time in a while. Nervous
about having half a cc away from the nine cc capacity. I have to stop
comparing my pace to a GB patient. I must. I chose the slow route for
a reason. Remember that.

Sent from my mobile device


328.8 this morning for a loss of 2.8 since thurs/friday, can't remember which day i weighed. amazing. i've been eating j-u-n-k. consoling myself over rejection, PMS, and finals. really healthy. <sarcasm>

i see das WunderDoc today at 4:30. Hope to have a fill. Small fill. 

Friday, April 24, 2009

ok so

last week i lost 4.8 (in less than a week actually.. like 5 days). and i was 1.2 lbs away from a 60 lb loss. probably the closest i've been. 

and i kinda freaked out.

it's been a very crazy week. got semi-rejected by a (maybe) straight guy, finals are starting, i'm not prepared, i'm pmsing, work sucks, etc etc etc. 

i weighed myself again today. i've gained 5lbs. 


Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Went to dentist today. Up a flight of stairs and I passed right on by
my "stop here and catch my breath before I go in" place. Still
slightly out of breath, but I was walking fast and was easily able to
announce myself to the receptionist. Woot!

Sent from my mobile device

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

At the car dealer

"You don't look like your license picture." Highlights or weight loss?

Sent from my mobile device

Monday, April 20, 2009



Sent from my mobile device

Thursday, April 16, 2009

so much to do today! excited!

i'm a little hungry as i write this. i had a protein shake for bfast and just 20oz of water since. i'm gonna heat up a lean cuisine for lunch in a bit.

weighed today. i changed my setting in the daily plate to lose 5 lbs a week (even tho not realistic) and my new calorie intake is a little over 1300. i ate that or less the past couple of days and i've GAINED two pounds. i think this AM i was at 332.2 and then after my shower routine i weighed again.. 331.6... what gives?

i have been diligent about working on my salt intake. now i need to work on my fiber intake. it's PITIFUL! you're supposed to get 25gm/day. i think i had 6gm the other day. awful.

busy day. work, then therapy at 3 (woot). salon for nails and toes and tan (i know, bad. i'm quitting soon). beauty store, car wash, UPS store to ship eBay stuff. then class at school. then home to pack.

tomorrow i get my hair done and drive out to the hotel! and the coach outlet! and the rehearsal tomorrow. and wedding saturday. and my date. oh boy. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

popcorn again

today the popcorn was trouble-free.

wt this morning was 330.2. dude! i'm trying. my calories were 1100 yesterday! and i walked on monday! i'll give it a few days. i'm being very strict this week b/c of my friend's wedding this weekend.. the dress.. oh, the dress...

makes me think

I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.
Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.
'til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was one me.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


not so gud, akshuly. iz stuck. 

nom, nom.. slime.

from a blog comment on LBT

"You can buy a brand new car, but if you don't learn how to drive you'll never get anywhere. Would you sit in a new car and say, "OK, take me to the store." and then ask why you aren't getting anywhere? You have to USE the car to get where you want to go."


Monday, April 13, 2009


a heart of romaine, some shredded carrots, and two tablespoons of dressing two hours ago. i'm hungry and heating up a lean cuisine as we speak.

easter was yesterday and i did well. actually did well throughout the weekend at home. small portions. stayed full. really craving chocolate right now so that's not good.

goal: drop 10 this week by being super strict. gotta look fab in my dress this weekend. gotta FEEL fab. 

Friday, April 10, 2009

the scale

was at 334 on sunday. today i'm at 330.

yay? ugh. therapy session this week was all about mom and her style of encouragement. almost said "lack of encouragement there." doc thinks i should consider giving up on making or waiting for my mother to morph in the the supportive cheerleader she obviously is not.

i'll have to marinate on that one.

it's good friday and i'm in the law library. i've been here for an hour. i haven't started my paper yet.

but i'm going to. right now.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

i only wish someone felt this way about me. it's what i need to be told.

You've got such a pretty smile
It's a shame the things
you hide behind it
let em go
Give it up for a while
Let em free and we will both go find it

I know there's nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
I know that you do not feel invited
But, come back, come back in from the cold

Tell me how you really feel
Tell me what is on the inside of you
All the somethings you conceal
Only keep away the ones who love you

Step away then from the edge
Your best friend is life is not your mirror
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
I am here and I will be forever

I know there's nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
Trust me and dont keep that on the inside
Soon you'll be locked out on your own

You're not alone
You're not alone
And don't say you've never been told
I'll be with you til we grow old
til I'm in the ground and I'm cold
I'm not sitting up here on some throne
Like a dog you can always come home
Dig up a bone
Look around

ugh. the dark place again.

going to the dark place. again. i hate it here. i also hate herr's
popcorn. and everything trader joe's makes. and chocolate. oh, and
myself. i started a 30-lbs-in-10-weeks challenge. that was 9 weeks
ago, and my weight is exactly the same. i've gone up, i've gone down.
i'm back to the start.

i'm getting to my dark place again. i hate it there. i've been
thinking more and more about regret. i'm starting to regret doing this
and not g.b. had i chosen differently, i wouldn't still be here. in
the same clothes. almost a year later. i'm so depressed.

i haven't worked out in two weeks. i'm so tired. i'm so depressed. i
work hard and barely anything happens. i'm just really, really
depressed right now.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

i'm starving (TMI for the boys, probably)

but it's not b/c of my band. i have a positive side effect to weight loss that to most people is not positive. i have been getting my period regularly for five months now. incredible, since it was pretty much nonexistent for a few years. i'm pretty young and haven't had kids yet (and want several), so a big motivator for me in losing weight was the ability to ward off reproductive health issues that were beginning to become scarily apparent. not having your period for months, then years (erratically here and there does not count, to me) scared me.


in august of last year i got it for the first time in ages. however, it was an insane mess. i passed clots the size of tennis balls and was laid up for over a week. never in my life have i experienced such a thing. my bathroom looked like a homicide scene. i almost called the doctor thinking i was hemorrhaging. it lasted about 10 days, severe exhaustion all the way through, and then it was over.

i didn't have anything until late november, clots included, but not as bad. lasted nearly two weeks. then, miraculously enough, i got it again on 1/1 with heavy cramping, etc. this time it lasted a week.

the same thing happened 2/1.

the same thing happened 3/1.

guess what happened on 4/1? i'm amazed. and really happy to be back to normal, although this time the clotting is pretty severe again. i'm really bad about taking my iron supplements (along with all my other vitamins), but i'm making damn sure to take them this week.

is it weird to be happy to have your period (and regularly, and heavily)? is it also weird to have a feeling of satisfaction in passing large clots? for some strange reason i feel like a real woman. being so large makes me feel mannish and unfeminine. then, not having my period for so long just made it worse. now that i'm closer to normal, i feel happy in my femininity - as crappy as it is and as big of a pain in the ass it is to have my period, i'm grateful for it.


i'm STARVING this week. i'm craving salty and sweet and am basically going nuts. both yesterday and today i've eaten a big bag of herr's popcorn (total calories: 490. 35 grams of fat. YEESH) and m&ms. yes i bought chocolate. it started with the small packs from the little deli in my building. today i graduated to the medium-sized bags from the pharmacy. one each of plain and peanut. and popcorn. i am not restricting myself because i don't have any room left in the sanity bank to fight with myself. work has been insanely draining (emotionally) and school has too. oh, and the rest of my life; let's not forget about that, shall we?

i have a lot on my plate for this weekend. tomorrow i'm getting my nails done after work (and getting a tan.. i know.. i'm stopping after my friend's wedding in a few weeks), then trader joe's run.. then tomorrow night i'm eBaying it up. i have a lot to list of my own, and my mum has been on me since thanksgiving about putting her old clothes up. i hope the eBay market is doing better than retail. i have a lot of stuff to move.

saturday will entail (since my house is 100% sparkling clean, due to an impromptu mid-week family visit which i will not go into now) schoolwork. i need to get my paper started for seminar. that starts with research.

i have to fix my dvd player. after a month of ownership it crapped out. this one replaced the other toshiba player that crapped out after about 14 months. these things should not be disposable! if it's not fixable, i'm going to try to take it back to the warehouse store i bought it from, so i'll do that saturday.

sunday will be schoolwork for the week.. and sleeeeep

gotta go read for my counseling class that starts in 1/2 an hour.. posting this from the libs.

peace out,
legally banded

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Test post

Testing posting via email. Hope this works.

Sent from my mobile device

328 today. A change of -5lbs from my last weigh-in, which I am pretty sure was just a week ago. Pretty good, if that's true. I haven't worked out, but I did get that fill. 

Had some vom issues yesterday and today. Well actually today and today. Starting around 1am.  Came home from a party, late, had the munchies, went to mcdonalds. Why? Because I must be a glutton for punishment, if not for nothing else. Ordered an insane amount of food (I'll confess. I ordered a Big Mac, a 10 piece mcnugget, and a double cheesburger. All for me). Ate one chicken nugget in the car. Ate two bites of Big Mac burger/fixins (no bread). Got sick immediately. Threw up a lot. What's interesting is that the puke was grey. It had been brown hamburger just minutes earlier and now it was grey. That grossed me out. Hopefully enough never to go back. I should know that McD's never ever stays in me and I am always the one to end up in pain. Yet I go back. I do think their food has an addictive quality. Anyway, I threw the rest of the food out and squirted a ton of dishwashing liquid over it so I wouldn't be tempted to take it out of the trash. Sick, but it needed to be done.

This morning (or shall I say, afternoon, sleeping beauty, who slept in till 12:15pm), I got up, laid in bed for a bit, had a shower, did a couple things around the house, and heated up some trader joe's potato latkes. Served up 2 with applesauce and tucked in. Two bites in, I was toast. I think I ate too fast. I was pretty hungry. I was sick for a couple of hours, though. Over two. Thank god it is sunday. 

I was able to eat later in the day. But I'm sore. Like I just did 1000 crunches. Not the way to rock hard abs. When will I ever learn?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


ok so this morning my first thought was, "ooh! i can eat one of those cookies for breakfast! yum!" because once they're gone, i'm not buying any more. they were part of my weekend binge and that's long over, so there. i took the box of the remaining three with the intent to eat them all. i sat in the chair in my bedroom and ate the first one,  and got stuck. 

long story, but i proceeded to get sick with the voms at home, in the car on the way to work, in the parking lot (including into a plastic grocery bag that had an effing hole in it so i got slime all over my pants and gearshift), in the bathroom at work three times - all in an hour and a half. it was a mess. i got really shaky at work and had to leave. after an hour of being in the office. i felt weak and a hot shaky mess. 

i went home and crashed on the couch (oh and when i went home i tried to take a drink of crystal light and i threw it up. this was two hours after i ate the effing cookie!) and fell asleep until about 1pm. i woke up and felt better.

a few hours later i tried to drink and all was well. ate some soft food with no problems. 

don't you know, though.. i finished the other two effing cookies before coming to school? there is a lot more wrong with me than can be discussed in this blog post, i'll tell ya that right now.

i'm at school, between classes, in the libs. i just twittered "i need new friends." my friends don't understand what this is like, one in particular, who i feel just doesn't listen to me. yet i consider her a best friend. she asked if i was mad at her and i told her it was a bad day, didn't feel well, etc. (she knows about the band but hates tmi so i am trying not to tell her how much i vom)... she asked me if she could get me a soda. a soda. a fucking soda. do you really not listen? you should be very aware by now that i haven't had a soda in over a year.

i have some thoughts on bulimia, while i'm at it (and then i have to go to class), but a trigger for later: does bulimia strictly mean bingeing and purging, or does the desire to binge have to be coupled with the desire to purge to qualify? i binge and i purge, but i don't purge by choice (or do i, knowing my band's limitations?)... just a triggering thought that's been nagging at me all day.

peace love and casebooks,
legally banded

Monday, March 23, 2009

another fill, bit more depressed

so i saw the surgeon again today. two weeks since my last appointment. i've lost three pounds. is it wrong to feel utter disappointment in that? 

i asked the doc what amount of food i should be eating. he's so patient with me. he never has one-word answers or seems cross that i ask a seemingly stupid question. he told me that he's not really interested in a certain size, e.g. half a cup. he says it's more important to eat until i'm full, and no more. he doesn't want me to get hung up on measuring. he doesn't want me to feel hunger, either. 

i also asked him if i should be worried that now i'm at 8 ccs and the band holds 9. he said, with a chuckle, not to worry (he's all about allaying my fears, isn't he??); that this might be "the one," and there's a lot of fill potential between 8 and 9 ccs (in .1 increments, that is). also, he said that he's filled these bands over 9ccs, that they can take it. i hope i never find out. i'm comfortable with the manufacturer's suggestions, thankyouverymuch.

i don't think my problem lately is physical hunger. scratch that, i know it's not. i rarely feel physical hunger. it's all in my head.

i am starting the realize band research study online tomorrow. it runs for four days. they're paying us in amazon dot com money. i had the kickoff conference call today. a handful of people from all around the country called in. one woman, who was very annoying, interrupted the moderator to inform us all that she was down 89 lbs in 7 months. whoop de do. thanks! now i feel even more miserable about not being able to break -60lbs in nearly ten months. nine months and three weeks, to be exact.

it's a general depression. i haven't worked out in a few days (since friday). i ate all i wanted all weekend and gained .8lbs. who knows what i could have done without a band... 

my goal = my desire to lose weight - panicking about becoming someone different + extrinsic rewards like feeling better and having my clothes feel looser - my intense addiction to eating.

that's a complicated equation.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

ok. day 4 of the new fill.

and a breakthrough in therapy today. i've embraced the fact that i need therapy to survive this incredibly difficult ordeal. i cannot lose this weight and become a healthy individual without professional help of all kinds. a psychologist is no exception.


i had a breakthrough in our session today. i actually have two, often conflicting personalities: the first is the inner child who throws temper tantrums and defies authority, and the second is the inner parent, who scolds and reprimands the inner child.

You cannot tell my inner child not to do something. I will do it. Conversely, if you tell me to do something, I will procrastinate immensely, if I do it at all. Same goes for if you tell me i should do something; I won't do it. I'm not often conscious of this. 

the inner child of mine wants what she wants when she wants it and will stop at nothing until she gets it. for example, the cookies i've been eating lately. the inner parent steps in and scolds the inner child about eating the cookies. there's guilt all around. it's very annoying.

i'm also feeling frustrated and angry. i'm midway though my 10-week 30-lb challenge, and with all the ups and downs in my weight, i'm exactly where i started 5 weeks ago. it's incredibly frustrating... which, now that i've explained my inner child, you'll see that it will have a completely opposite desired effect: instead of my frustration at a slow weight loss motivating me, it deters me and discourages me.

i walked on my treadmill for 20 mins today and dailyplate-tracked every bite. i got stuck on some chips and salsa and threw up some afterbirth. i was feeling stuck on the treadmill so i did it a little slower than normal. but i did it. all i wanted to do was take a nap before class tonight. but i didn't; i walked. 

watching bridget jones' diary on tv.. i would love it if a handsome brit told me that he liked me.. just as i am. i would really like it for me to be able to say the same to myself. and believe it.


my goal of 30 lbs in 10 weeks is not going very well. 5 weeks in and i've been up and down and i'm at the weight i started at. 

i want to scream.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

another fill, another vom

so i got a fill yesterday. i am at 7.5ccs again. doc says that since he had to unfill my band after "the episode," it may take more fill to get to the same level of restriction i was at before. i want to be at a lesser level, though, so i agreed to going back to 7.5ccs.

i think i am too tight :(

i had grilled chicken and lettuce at lunch today - no problems! i was full after two halves of a breast (so one small breast in total) and some lettuce. i wasn't hungry for hours, even though i really WANTED to eat. it was my first visit to a red robin and i resisted a chocolate milkshake. i wanted it so bad but i was good! 


i stopped at taco bell after class (did you know that the crunchy taco supreme has only 200 calories?). i ordered the spicy chicken burrito (without the tortilla it's not a completely unwise calorie choice) b/c i really wanted it.  i started eating it in the car, and i ate some of the tortilla (like two bites!) and got stuck. in the car. on my 20 minute drive home. i was able to throw up into a plastic shopping bag (i keep a few in the car for just such an emergency..) while i was driving. i amaze myself.

anyway. i thought it was over and wanted to eat the taco i'd ordered. when i got home i got through about half of it and got that stuck too. so i spent the next hour vommin' in the bathroom. awesome.

my fills usually loosen up after a few days. i'm supposed to go see the doc again in two weeks. here's hopin i can make it that long and that this loosens up! 

Monday, March 9, 2009

should i be offended here?

i've been at my job for 3.5 years. i've never been sent out to do investigative work for some of our non-environmental cases. our new paralegal, paralegal B (who hates it and is quitting, incidentally) has been here for a matter of weeks and attorney D sent her out to do an investigation/client interview today. attorney D knows how much non-environmental experience i want/need, and while paralegal B his paralegal now, i can't help but to wonder whether attorney D didn't want a person that looks like me interviewing clients. i'm just thinking on paper here, but it was a reaction that i had. am i overreacting?

Saturday, March 7, 2009


i've been twittering my big fat head off instead of blogging like i said i would. it's just easier to tweet my feelings out into the abyss.

i've been doing well. well, up until this week. i made myself a deadline (friend's wedding in april - to which i have a DATE - more on that later) and a goal. 30 lbs in 10 weeks.

now that i look at it, completely unrealistic, since i have only been able to lose 55lbs since may. really smart, chick. but, i started religiously using and using their calculator, am able to determine what my calorie goals should be. i can also input any exercise and it's sort of like a piggy bank. i exercise and earn calorie credits. to lose about 4 lbs a week, i should be eating a little over 1600 calories. for the first two weeks I DID GREAT! i lost 7 lbs, worked out almost every day. it was great. then i got my period and this week was shot to shit.

i hadn't been normal in years but for the past four months it's been like clockwork! i'm so happy b/c this means that my body is getting back to normal. it eases my fears about obesity-related conception issues later in life when i'll be ready for a family. 


this week was a bear. prepping for part of the bar exam (ethics portion; you can take it before you graduate. this was my second go-round. i didn't get the scores needed the first time. great for the confidence, i tell ya). work was INSANE. two people are quitting. got in a screaming match with our secretary. cried to one of my attorneys. got screamed at by clients b/c my attorneys aren't responsible. off from school for spring break but had to study for the exam. which i didn't do much of. 

because my heart isn't in school anymore. had mini-breakdown on phone with mom thursday night about it. just don't care about law anymore. being told that i may not be able to go abroad b/c my gpa is too low hurt, and i didn't think about it/pushed it aside until this week. i just felt so blue! i ate all week. didn't count any calories past breakfast into TDP. baked and ate a cake in three days (minus one huge piece i brought to work for a coworker's birthday; incidentally, not one of the gals who is quitting). ordered and ate chinese. mcdonalds. taco bell. you effing name it. i feel like a house.

oh and to make matters worse, i didn't exercise. at all. in an entire week.

monday i start over. i'm not going to start over tomorrow. i need another day.

side note, i have a theory. i'm at 7ccs right now and i can EAT. i wonder: i eat a lot of salads. could i have stretched my pouch? b/c i can eat cups and cups of the stuff...

more on that later. i meet with my surgeon on monday afternoon. hope i get a fill. 7.5 was too tight last time, but that was before the whole "too tight/emergency gastrografin" episode. let's see, shall we?

here's to skinny thoughts.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

another fill!

i'm at 7ccs as of today.. 6.5 was too loose; 7.5 was too tight..

keep your fingers crossed that this is "the one"

Friday, January 30, 2009

the drama, continued


ugh, last thursday... what a day.. or couple of days. i was in so much pain weds night and thursday and i was FREAKING out that my band had slipped out of place (which would mean surgery asap to fix if even fixable, so the potential to lose my band was there). i called my surgeon and got in and he took out 6.5ccs of saline from my band - i had 7.5 ccs in there (it holds 9) which means he pretty much emptied the band to "help it relax" - meaning my stomach. he ordered me to go to the hospital for a gastrografin study (drinking special contrast in front of an xray machine.. it's gross stuff, though, yuck) right away to make sure everything looked ok on xray. they can tell by looking at the contrast xray whether my band slipped or not. the band isn't supposed to slip b/c it's sutured in place. they actually pull the stomach up around the band and secure it with stitches but there have been people who vomit so much or so hard they pull the stitches and the band can move. rare, but it happens. that's what i was so worried about.

they took tons of pictures w/ and w/o contrast and i got to see my band (which was really cool, actually). the radiologist and the resident both decided that my band looked like it was exactly where it should be, which is good. so the pain was probably a combination of my band being too tight and all the vomiting had caused muscle-pulling all over my abdomen. it was a rough couple of days. 

but i felt a lot better. by saturday i was still not 100% (the gastrografin had some, erm, side effects. they don't tell you to stay on or very near a toilet for about twelve hours after a gastrografin study. they should warn you). and all last weekend i was s-t-a-r-v-i-n-g. not sure if that's a good sign or not.  no fill = hunger and can eat more :(

i think i was too tight anyway, but this is a leeeeeetle open for my tastes.

Friday, January 23, 2009

anybody out there

do i have an audience?

my first major band-related scare - lots of tmi - part 1

wow has it been an eventful couple of days. i had my first major "oh shit i might actually lose my band" episode. i hope it is my last.

flashback to wednesday morning: orthodontist appointment at 8 to make sure the night guard thingy i wear is working out well. then i run over to the blood place to get my bloods drawn, as i am meeting my pcp next week for a checkup. he's very much into blood tests. i like him. he's thorough.


i'm at labcorp for over an hour waiting to be called ("your wait time is 8 minutes," says the computer - my ass!) and the smell - strike that - stench of bleach hangs heavily in the air. someone must have made a mess somewhere and they had to properly clean it up. i'm not complaining that they properly cleaned in a place where they use needles on me, but the smell was really something. having had to fast for this exam, i was in no state to be smelling bleach. have i mentioned, i have a really oversensitive sense of smell? one whiff of something chemical-y and i'm a wreck. nauseated, headaches, the works. this morning was no exception.

i finally get called and we go to the drawing room, where i promptly inform my nurse that i have to get a butterfly (baby) needle and it has to be from the top of my hand (not the crook of my arm) or else no blood will be found. she doesn't object (they never do, and why should they? i'm saving us all time and energy by being up-front about my shitty veins). she pokes, she prods, she tourniquets me, she thumps. she finds my vein. i'm getting uneasy just typing this. she finally gets it going and pops a tube on. then the blood flow stops. that never happens to me! my vein gave up so she had to go to the other hand. as she's pulling the needle out of my left hand, she bumps it and i gush blood all over. now i'm really queasy. she gets what she needs from my right hand but i leave bruised, bleeding, and with less dignity than i arrived.

it's now 9:15 am and i am on my way to work. but, i am starving. STARVING. and i just had a traumatic, 0n-a-fast medical experience. i want an egg mcmuffin and a hash brown. like, bad.

so i go to mcdonalds and order. in the car on my 10-minute drive to work, i eat half of the hash brown. and i am full. i am pleasantly surprised. "nice," i thought, "i'll save this egg mcmuffin and eat it for dinner!" it is a balmy 18 degrees out so i left it in my car. as soon as i get to work, i start sliming. like crazy. i go to the bathroom and vom a little hash brown and a little saliva blob. "ok," i think, "too early in the morning to eat. dummy."

i go back to my office and one of the partners is chatting with me about a case, when i get that feeling. oh shit. "i'll, erm.. berightback." i practically run to the bathroom and heave. nearly didn't make it. 

this continues for quite sometime over the course of an hour and a half. finally, the same partner comes into my office and sends me home. he doesn't know about the band. he thinks i have a stomach virus. he thinks he already has it. he thinks we got it from our secretary. "ok," i think, playing along in my mind, "it's a stomach virus, and not a medical implant in my stomach that is causing me to vom all morning." i go home.

i have stopped throwing up at this point and by the time i'm in my sweats and on my couch, i am feeling pretty good. an hour or so passes and i actually feel hungry. i wonder if i can eat some egg mcmuffin.

seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

i nuked it for 25 seconds and started nibbling at it. going down, going down, going down. success! i get about a third of the way through, when..



i vom some more, vom vom vom. i think it's all out of me. oh, wait, there's more. this continues for over two hours. by the time it's over i am exhausted. the rest of the day i drank iced tea (after not being able to even get that down). i eat a pita chip in the afternoon and promptly throw that up for twenty minutes. 

i had two classes that night. so, as shitty as i felt, i got up, got dressed, and headed off to school. i felt ehh-ok and was going to stop for a milkshake but the ice cream store was closed and it didn't really appeal to me all that much anyway. i was just looking for some comfort. 

i get to school, and i'm a little early. i sit in my car with the radio and heater on, and try to relax. then i get really nauseous and i just know i'm about to throw up. thank god i keep a grocery bag in the car (for garbage, but whatev). i grabbed it just in time. just a big blob of jello-like saliva that i'm used to (i jokingly call it "the afterbirth" in my head b/c it looks like a placenta). ugh. the bright side is that the afterbirth usually signifies the end of the voms. so i get out of the car and trek across campus to the law building. i run into my friend in the mailroom and we start chatting, until.... oh shit, not again! that feeling. i hastily excuse myself from my bewildered friend and practically jolt (with my 89-lb backpack on my back - ohsogracefully) to the ladies' room, which, thankfully, isn't that far away. i threw up so hard and so violently (not just pb, but vomited - tasting bile and stomach acid and all). i started getting really shaky and sweaty and thought i was toast. no way could i go to class. 

i trekked all the way back to my car and drove home, stopping at the grocery store to pick up some ice cream. something told me i'd need it. 

i turned out to be right.

to be continued...