should i be offended here?

i've been at my job for 3.5 years. i've never been sent out to do investigative work for some of our non-environmental cases. our new paralegal, paralegal B (who hates it and is quitting, incidentally) has been here for a matter of weeks and attorney D sent her out to do an investigation/client interview today. attorney D knows how much non-environmental experience i want/need, and while paralegal B his paralegal now, i can't help but to wonder whether attorney D didn't want a person that looks like me interviewing clients. i'm just thinking on paper here, but it was a reaction that i had. am i overreacting?

ugh

i've been twittering my big fat head off instead of blogging like i said i would. it's just easier to tweet my feelings out into the abyss.

i've been doing well. well, up until this week. i made myself a deadline (friend's wedding in april - to which i have a DATE - more on that later) and a goal. 30 lbs in 10 weeks.

now that i look at it, completely unrealistic, since i have only been able to lose 55lbs since may. really smart, chick. but, i started religiously using thedailyplate.com and using their calculator, am able to determine what my calorie goals should be. i can also input any exercise and it's sort of like a piggy bank. i exercise and earn calorie credits. to lose about 4 lbs a week, i should be eating a little over 1600 calories. for the first two weeks I DID GREAT! i lost 7 lbs, worked out almost every day. it was great. then i got my period and this week was shot to shit.

i hadn't been normal in years but for the past four months it's been like clockwork! i'm so happy b/c this means that my body is getting back to normal. it eases my fears about obesity-related conception issues later in life when i'll be ready for a family. 

anyway.

this week was a bear. prepping for part of the bar exam (ethics portion; you can take it before you graduate. this was my second go-round. i didn't get the scores needed the first time. great for the confidence, i tell ya). work was INSANE. two people are quitting. got in a screaming match with our secretary. cried to one of my attorneys. got screamed at by clients b/c my attorneys aren't responsible. off from school for spring break but had to study for the exam. which i didn't do much of. 

because my heart isn't in school anymore. had mini-breakdown on phone with mom thursday night about it. just don't care about law anymore. being told that i may not be able to go abroad b/c my gpa is too low hurt, and i didn't think about it/pushed it aside until this week. i just felt so blue! i ate all week. didn't count any calories past breakfast into TDP. baked and ate a cake in three days (minus one huge piece i brought to work for a coworker's birthday; incidentally, not one of the gals who is quitting). ordered and ate chinese. mcdonalds. taco bell. you effing name it. i feel like a house.

oh and to make matters worse, i didn't exercise. at all. in an entire week.

monday i start over. i'm not going to start over tomorrow. i need another day.

side note, i have a theory. i'm at 7ccs right now and i can EAT. i wonder: i eat a lot of salads. could i have stretched my pouch? b/c i can eat cups and cups of the stuff...

more on that later. i meet with my surgeon on monday afternoon. hope i get a fill. 7.5 was too tight last time, but that was before the whole "too tight/emergency gastrografin" episode. let's see, shall we?

here's to skinny thoughts.

another fill!

i'm at 7ccs as of today.. 6.5 was too loose; 7.5 was too tight..

keep your fingers crossed that this is "the one"

the drama, continued

continued....

ugh, last thursday... what a day.. or couple of days. i was in so much pain weds night and thursday and i was FREAKING out that my band had slipped out of place (which would mean surgery asap to fix if even fixable, so the potential to lose my band was there). i called my surgeon and got in and he took out 6.5ccs of saline from my band - i had 7.5 ccs in there (it holds 9) which means he pretty much emptied the band to "help it relax" - meaning my stomach. he ordered me to go to the hospital for a gastrografin study (drinking special contrast in front of an xray machine.. it's gross stuff, though, yuck) right away to make sure everything looked ok on xray. they can tell by looking at the contrast xray whether my band slipped or not. the band isn't supposed to slip b/c it's sutured in place. they actually pull the stomach up around the band and secure it with stitches but there have been people who vomit so much or so hard they pull the stitches and the band can move. rare, but it happens. that's what i was so worried about.

they took tons of pictures w/ and w/o contrast and i got to see my band (which was really cool, actually). the radiologist and the resident both decided that my band looked like it was exactly where it should be, which is good. so the pain was probably a combination of my band being too tight and all the vomiting had caused muscle-pulling all over my abdomen. it was a rough couple of days. 

but i felt a lot better. by saturday i was still not 100% (the gastrografin had some, erm, side effects. they don't tell you to stay on or very near a toilet for about twelve hours after a gastrografin study. they should warn you). and all last weekend i was s-t-a-r-v-i-n-g. not sure if that's a good sign or not.  no fill = hunger and can eat more :(

i think i was too tight anyway, but this is a leeeeeetle open for my tastes.

anybody out there

do i have an audience?

my first major band-related scare - lots of tmi - part 1

wow has it been an eventful couple of days. i had my first major "oh shit i might actually lose my band" episode. i hope it is my last.

flashback to wednesday morning: orthodontist appointment at 8 to make sure the night guard thingy i wear is working out well. then i run over to the blood place to get my bloods drawn, as i am meeting my pcp next week for a checkup. he's very much into blood tests. i like him. he's thorough.

anyway.

i'm at labcorp for over an hour waiting to be called ("your wait time is 8 minutes," says the computer - my ass!) and the smell - strike that - stench of bleach hangs heavily in the air. someone must have made a mess somewhere and they had to properly clean it up. i'm not complaining that they properly cleaned in a place where they use needles on me, but the smell was really something. having had to fast for this exam, i was in no state to be smelling bleach. have i mentioned, i have a really oversensitive sense of smell? one whiff of something chemical-y and i'm a wreck. nauseated, headaches, the works. this morning was no exception.

i finally get called and we go to the drawing room, where i promptly inform my nurse that i have to get a butterfly (baby) needle and it has to be from the top of my hand (not the crook of my arm) or else no blood will be found. she doesn't object (they never do, and why should they? i'm saving us all time and energy by being up-front about my shitty veins). she pokes, she prods, she tourniquets me, she thumps. she finds my vein. i'm getting uneasy just typing this. she finally gets it going and pops a tube on. then the blood flow stops. that never happens to me! my vein gave up so she had to go to the other hand. as she's pulling the needle out of my left hand, she bumps it and i gush blood all over. now i'm really queasy. she gets what she needs from my right hand but i leave bruised, bleeding, and with less dignity than i arrived.

it's now 9:15 am and i am on my way to work. but, i am starving. STARVING. and i just had a traumatic, 0n-a-fast medical experience. i want an egg mcmuffin and a hash brown. like, bad.

so i go to mcdonalds and order. in the car on my 10-minute drive to work, i eat half of the hash brown. and i am full. i am pleasantly surprised. "nice," i thought, "i'll save this egg mcmuffin and eat it for dinner!" it is a balmy 18 degrees out so i left it in my car. as soon as i get to work, i start sliming. like crazy. i go to the bathroom and vom a little hash brown and a little saliva blob. "ok," i think, "too early in the morning to eat. dummy."

i go back to my office and one of the partners is chatting with me about a case, when i get that feeling. oh shit. "i'll, erm.. berightback." i practically run to the bathroom and heave. nearly didn't make it. 

this continues for quite sometime over the course of an hour and a half. finally, the same partner comes into my office and sends me home. he doesn't know about the band. he thinks i have a stomach virus. he thinks he already has it. he thinks we got it from our secretary. "ok," i think, playing along in my mind, "it's a stomach virus, and not a medical implant in my stomach that is causing me to vom all morning." i go home.

i have stopped throwing up at this point and by the time i'm in my sweats and on my couch, i am feeling pretty good. an hour or so passes and i actually feel hungry. i wonder if i can eat some egg mcmuffin.

seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

i nuked it for 25 seconds and started nibbling at it. going down, going down, going down. success! i get about a third of the way through, when..

stuck. 

goddamnit!

i vom some more, vom vom vom. i think it's all out of me. oh, wait, there's more. this continues for over two hours. by the time it's over i am exhausted. the rest of the day i drank iced tea (after not being able to even get that down). i eat a pita chip in the afternoon and promptly throw that up for twenty minutes. 

i had two classes that night. so, as shitty as i felt, i got up, got dressed, and headed off to school. i felt ehh-ok and was going to stop for a milkshake but the ice cream store was closed and it didn't really appeal to me all that much anyway. i was just looking for some comfort. 

i get to school, and i'm a little early. i sit in my car with the radio and heater on, and try to relax. then i get really nauseous and i just know i'm about to throw up. thank god i keep a grocery bag in the car (for garbage, but whatev). i grabbed it just in time. just a big blob of jello-like saliva that i'm used to (i jokingly call it "the afterbirth" in my head b/c it looks like a placenta). ugh. the bright side is that the afterbirth usually signifies the end of the voms. so i get out of the car and trek across campus to the law building. i run into my friend in the mailroom and we start chatting, until.... oh shit, not again! that feeling. i hastily excuse myself from my bewildered friend and practically jolt (with my 89-lb backpack on my back - ohsogracefully) to the ladies' room, which, thankfully, isn't that far away. i threw up so hard and so violently (not just pb, but vomited - tasting bile and stomach acid and all). i started getting really shaky and sweaty and thought i was toast. no way could i go to class. 

i trekked all the way back to my car and drove home, stopping at the grocery store to pick up some ice cream. something told me i'd need it. 

i turned out to be right.

to be continued...

ugh!

so i weigh in on mondays and fridays. this past monday i had lost 0.2 lbs and was right at 340. today i weigh and i gain 3.4. wtf?! 

i've been doing good with portion sizes. i need to re-evaluate. if the realize website didn't suck ass as much as it does, i'd be tracking there. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

thank god it's friday. this week was way too effing long. and it's payday, thank god. i haven't been to my mailbox in a week but i'm pretty sure there're a ton of bills in there i need to pay.

i ordered "welcome to the dollhouse" on dvd last night. i haven't seen it in sooo long. classic. 

i'm gonna try to get some work done now so i can feel all accomplished and shit. i need to clean my house tonight. 

this is why

this is why i have a love/hate relationship with life at a law firm:

free lunch. which automatically means free dessert.

don't get me wrong - this is so not everyday life. quite the contrary. but it is a nice treat when there's some kind of meeting or conference thingy happening in your floor's conference room. 

my new favorite breakfast is peanuts. they have protein in them, they're easy to eat, and they're yummy. i'm off the honey roasteds. too much like candy. i find that i may be a lil hungry in the am and not STARVING at noon like i used to be so that's good. i'm at 6.5 ccs now. holding steady at a loss of 45lbs. haven't exercised in a month. i know, i know. i'm just so busy with work and school and my sleep is really important to me. 

apparently my 'sleep apnea' might not be apnea at all, but due to my tonsil problems. they're coming out on dec. 23, thankfully. they're enormous and crater-y. they're gross.

i'm totally addicted to facebook. i could be on there all day. for some reason tho my blackberry isn't giving me fb alerts anymore.. i reinstalled the app but no such luck.. hmm...

gotta get some work done at work. ha. 

i'm stuck.. no, not that kind of stuck

i think i'm on a plateau. no, strike that. 

i'm definitely on a plateau. 

i've weighed the same for something like six weeks now. maybe more.. i'm not sure. here's what i do know: i don't eat right. i don't exercise enough. i am also worked to the bone and exhausted all the time. not healthy.

i work a full day at the law firm and then a full night at law school. i don't get home until 10:15, 10:30. at that point i'm starving! for the past few weeks it's been so easy to just throw some cheese on some tostitos and make nachos. in one minute, dinner is served. and it's delicious. and it goes down really, really easily. and i can eat a lot of it. bad bad bad!!! 

i did buy a bunch of lean cuisines. my goal is to eat those when i come home for less than 300 calories.. instead of god-knows-how-many calories in a big plate of cheesey nachos. oh but with my favorite salsa... stop it!! stop it!! step away from the nachos..

and another vice of mine, due to the impending holiday: candy corn. 

OMG! a coworker put out a dish and i thought, "it's been so very long... i wonder how they will go down..." well, they went down too well.. i have since purchased and consumed several bags.. on my own. no sharing.

in happier news, last week my gym buddy and i did the gym thing (weight machines, arms/legs, elliptical, rowing, bike) and we even got in the pool! i swam - wait for it - eight laps. i've never swam laps before. i didn't even know how to do the freestyle. i thought that was called a breaststroke. silly uneducated me. it was really, really hard. you're working really hard so you're breathing hard, yet your face is in the water so it's hard to breathe. very challenging. if it weren't for the incredibly massive amounts of chlorine in my complex's indoor pool (along with the ever-present swim school and onlooking parents), I'd be in the pool a couple times a week.

i go to the surgeon next week. hope for a fill.