lunch.

after the noon-ish popcorn episode, i wasn't in any hurry to eat. i wasn't even hungry. till i got a little hungry about an hour ago. i made a salad like i normally do (no cukes, and about half as much lettuce). ate about half! so half a piece of chicken. a little gurgly now. see what happens. 

um, yeah, about that no vom thing

scratch that. 

a little nom, no vom (so far)

had a large iced mocha latte lite for bfast.. took until noon to finish.. just ate a little popcorn.. not even a cup.. and i'm a little slimey and trying to burp. prob not gonna vom, but i'm REALLY full.

this. fill. is. incredible.

btw, weighed this AM. 327.6. same as yesterday. curiosity got the better of me. also my lsbff (law school best friend forever) said it looks like i've lost weight. she's one of 2 LS buds that know about my band. woot, woot! 

and voms AGAIN!

came home from school, wired as all hell (probably had something to do
with that huge iced skim latte, no?) and had 1/3 pint of haagen-dazs
(ohyeah), a few pieces of popcorn, then a few teaspoons of turkey taco
meat and cheese with MAYBE four tostitos scoops (they're small). and
i'm vommin. oy.

interesting.

no more gulping for me. 2nd time today i got stuck on liquids!!!

lunch

made my usual.. heart of romaine, almost a full piece of chicken breast, cukes, ranch. 

and can't eat more than half! not even half! 

woah. 

a case of the early morning voms

ugh. 

i'm exhausted this morning. things were going fairly well last night, my first post-fill food. our last seminar class had pizza and soda. i ate a half a slice of pizza. very, very slowly. it was pretty cold. but i took minuscule bites and chewed to the death. no problem! 

when i got home i was still "hungry" - as in, i'm not sure i was physically hungry but i had the munchies. i ate some popcorn. ate about a third of what i can usually polish off and felt full, then started sliming. great! no voms tho. it passed. much later, i heated up some turkey taco meat and cheese and ate about 2/3 cup of that (guesstimate) with a few chips and some salsa. i felt really full after that. like, woah. 

had some crystal light and went to bed, still feeling really full - to the point of bursting. 

this morning, i still felt tight, and didn't feel any hunger pangs like i've been feeling in the morning sometimes (especially after a late dinner the night before, as is the case 5 days a week). had my shower, groggily took my three medicines (all liquids, each about a half a shot or a teaspoon). 

then, did something [apparently] stupid; i gulped down a healthy-sized swig of crystal light. room temperature, if you're wondering. pretty soon after, i'd say within a minute or so, as i'm gathering my things to leave for work, i feel it. reallyfullomgstuck. stuck. on effing crystal light. stuck! i move around a little. maybe i've trapped some air/gas since i gulped (although up until this fill never had an issue gulping liquids). i tried to burp, but i got that horrible feeling: i can bring up a burp halfway up my chest but then it gets trapped. AGONY.

then i started sliming. again, on EFFING CRYSTAL LIGHT. i had no choice but to keep going to work. i spit a couple times before getting in the car (soooo gross and unladylike, but i was DYING). grabbed a bag i had just put in my trunk (thank god! side note: i have a loaner car this week b/c my car is in the shop for some transmission work. all my stuff is in my car, including such lifesavers as (though not for vom purposes but still handy) plastic grocery bags, napkins, baby wipes, etc). i barely coughed into the bag and a ton of liquid came up (really no effort involved). i threw up twice more on my way to work (while driving. i am so talented). and once again in the parking garage. the bag was fairly heavy, in my opinion. i'd say at least a cup or so. gross and TMI, i know. 

i'm at work now and i feel 10000% better. i may even drink a protein shake in a bit. i probably threw up all my meds though. AWESOME! happy wednesday, world...

yeah. about that haagen-dazs

ate the rest of the pint this afternoon. i'm a little hungry now. and, erm, a little queasy. not queasy queasy... just.. lactose-intolerant-queasy.

lunch

about an inch off the pint of haagen-dazs and i'm full. interesting. 

aw MAN!

made farina. not as thin as i usually make it after a fill, but not as thick as the recipe calls for. ate about 2/3 cup and was full.. and then i was STUCK! on fairly-runny hot cereal! 

been vomming afterbirth-type junk for about a half hour now. i hope it ends soon and this doesn't (a) mean i'm too tight; (b) screw up my fill; (c) screw up my band b/c i'm vomming so soon after a fill.

le sigh. now i really need to finish this paper. it's due tomorrow and the citations are a friggin nightmare.

Fill

Now at 8.5cc. I lost 6lbs since I saw him 4 weeks ago. He is pleased.
I am not. But, with no exercise, I shouldn't complain. Right? I see
him again in six weeks. Longest followup time in a while. Nervous
about having half a cc away from the nine cc capacity. I have to stop
comparing my pace to a GB patient. I must. I chose the slow route for
a reason. Remember that.

--
Sent from my mobile device

weigh-in

328.8 this morning for a loss of 2.8 since thurs/friday, can't remember which day i weighed. amazing. i've been eating j-u-n-k. consoling myself over rejection, PMS, and finals. really healthy. <sarcasm>

i see das WunderDoc today at 4:30. Hope to have a fill. Small fill. 

ok so

last week i lost 4.8 (in less than a week actually.. like 5 days). and i was 1.2 lbs away from a 60 lb loss. probably the closest i've been. 

and i kinda freaked out.

it's been a very crazy week. got semi-rejected by a (maybe) straight guy, finals are starting, i'm not prepared, i'm pmsing, work sucks, etc etc etc. 

i weighed myself again today. i've gained 5lbs. 

wtf.

NSV

Went to dentist today. Up a flight of stairs and I passed right on by
my "stop here and catch my breath before I go in" place. Still
slightly out of breath, but I was walking fast and was easily able to
announce myself to the receptionist. Woot!

--
Sent from my mobile device

At the car dealer

"You don't look like your license picture." Highlights or weight loss?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Weigh-in

326.2!!!

--
Sent from my mobile device

so much to do today! excited!

i'm a little hungry as i write this. i had a protein shake for bfast and just 20oz of water since. i'm gonna heat up a lean cuisine for lunch in a bit.

weighed today. i changed my setting in the daily plate to lose 5 lbs a week (even tho not realistic) and my new calorie intake is a little over 1300. i ate that or less the past couple of days and i've GAINED two pounds. i think this AM i was at 332.2 and then after my shower routine i weighed again.. 331.6... what gives?

i have been diligent about working on my salt intake. now i need to work on my fiber intake. it's PITIFUL! you're supposed to get 25gm/day. i think i had 6gm the other day. awful.

busy day. work, then therapy at 3 (woot). salon for nails and toes and tan (i know, bad. i'm quitting soon). beauty store, car wash, UPS store to ship eBay stuff. then class at school. then home to pack.

tomorrow i get my hair done and drive out to the hotel! and the coach outlet! and the rehearsal tomorrow. and wedding saturday. and my date. oh boy. 

popcorn again

today the popcorn was trouble-free.

wt this morning was 330.2. dude! i'm trying. my calories were 1100 yesterday! and i walked on monday! i'll give it a few days. i'm being very strict this week b/c of my friend's wedding this weekend.. the dress.. oh, the dress...

makes me think

I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,

But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,

Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,

And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,

Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,

And I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

'til I finally died, which started the whole world living,

Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was one me.

popcorn

not so gud, akshuly. iz stuck. 

nom, nom.. slime.

from a blog comment on LBT

"You can buy a brand new car, but if you don't learn how to drive you'll never get anywhere. Would you sit in a new car and say, "OK, take me to the store." and then ask why you aren't getting anywhere? You have to USE the car to get where you want to go."

Indeed. 

well.

a heart of romaine, some shredded carrots, and two tablespoons of dressing two hours ago. i'm hungry and heating up a lean cuisine as we speak.

easter was yesterday and i did well. actually did well throughout the weekend at home. small portions. stayed full. really craving chocolate right now so that's not good.

goal: drop 10 this week by being super strict. gotta look fab in my dress this weekend. gotta FEEL fab. 

the scale

was at 334 on sunday. today i'm at 330.

yay? ugh. therapy session this week was all about mom and her style of encouragement. almost said "lack of encouragement there." doc thinks i should consider giving up on making or waiting for my mother to morph in the the supportive cheerleader she obviously is not.

i'll have to marinate on that one.

it's good friday and i'm in the law library. i've been here for an hour. i haven't started my paper yet.

but i'm going to. right now.

i only wish someone felt this way about me. it's what i need to be told.

You've got such a pretty smile

It's a shame the things

you hide behind it

let em go

Give it up for a while

Let em free and we will both go find it

I know there's nowhere you can hide it

I know the feeling of alone

I know that you do not feel invited

But, come back, come back in from the cold

Tell me how you really feel

Tell me what is on the inside of you

All the somethings you conceal

Only keep away the ones who love you

Step away then from the edge

Your best friend is life is not your mirror

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

Back away, come away

I am here and I will be forever

I know there's nowhere you can hide it

I know the feeling of alone

Trust me and dont keep that on the inside

Soon you'll be locked out on your own

You're not alone

You're not alone

And don't say you've never been told

I'll be with you til we grow old

til I'm in the ground and I'm cold

I'm not sitting up here on some throne

Like a dog you can always come home

Dig up a bone

Look around

ugh. the dark place again.

going to the dark place. again. i hate it here. i also hate herr's
popcorn. and everything trader joe's makes. and chocolate. oh, and
myself. i started a 30-lbs-in-10-weeks challenge. that was 9 weeks
ago, and my weight is exactly the same. i've gone up, i've gone down.
i'm back to the start.

i'm getting to my dark place again. i hate it there. i've been
thinking more and more about regret. i'm starting to regret doing this
and not g.b. had i chosen differently, i wouldn't still be here. in
the same clothes. almost a year later. i'm so depressed.

i haven't worked out in two weeks. i'm so tired. i'm so depressed. i
work hard and barely anything happens. i'm just really, really
depressed right now.

i'm starving (TMI for the boys, probably)

but it's not b/c of my band. i have a positive side effect to weight loss that to most people is not positive. i have been getting my period regularly for five months now. incredible, since it was pretty much nonexistent for a few years. i'm pretty young and haven't had kids yet (and want several), so a big motivator for me in losing weight was the ability to ward off reproductive health issues that were beginning to become scarily apparent. not having your period for months, then years (erratically here and there does not count, to me) scared me.

anyway.

in august of last year i got it for the first time in ages. however, it was an insane mess. i passed clots the size of tennis balls and was laid up for over a week. never in my life have i experienced such a thing. my bathroom looked like a homicide scene. i almost called the doctor thinking i was hemorrhaging. it lasted about 10 days, severe exhaustion all the way through, and then it was over.

i didn't have anything until late november, clots included, but not as bad. lasted nearly two weeks. then, miraculously enough, i got it again on 1/1 with heavy cramping, etc. this time it lasted a week.

the same thing happened 2/1.

the same thing happened 3/1.

guess what happened on 4/1? i'm amazed. and really happy to be back to normal, although this time the clotting is pretty severe again. i'm really bad about taking my iron supplements (along with all my other vitamins), but i'm making damn sure to take them this week.

is it weird to be happy to have your period (and regularly, and heavily)? is it also weird to have a feeling of satisfaction in passing large clots? for some strange reason i feel like a real woman. being so large makes me feel mannish and unfeminine. then, not having my period for so long just made it worse. now that i'm closer to normal, i feel happy in my femininity - as crappy as it is and as big of a pain in the ass it is to have my period, i'm grateful for it.

however.

i'm STARVING this week. i'm craving salty and sweet and am basically going nuts. both yesterday and today i've eaten a big bag of herr's popcorn (total calories: 490. 35 grams of fat. YEESH) and m&ms. yes i bought chocolate. it started with the small packs from the little deli in my building. today i graduated to the medium-sized bags from the pharmacy. one each of plain and peanut. and popcorn. i am not restricting myself because i don't have any room left in the sanity bank to fight with myself. work has been insanely draining (emotionally) and school has too. oh, and the rest of my life; let's not forget about that, shall we?

i have a lot on my plate for this weekend. tomorrow i'm getting my nails done after work (and getting a tan.. i know.. i'm stopping after my friend's wedding in a few weeks), then trader joe's run.. then tomorrow night i'm eBaying it up. i have a lot to list of my own, and my mum has been on me since thanksgiving about putting her old clothes up. i hope the eBay market is doing better than retail. i have a lot of stuff to move.

saturday will entail (since my house is 100% sparkling clean, due to an impromptu mid-week family visit which i will not go into now) schoolwork. i need to get my paper started for seminar. that starts with research.

i have to fix my dvd player. after a month of ownership it crapped out. this one replaced the other toshiba player that crapped out after about 14 months. these things should not be disposable! if it's not fixable, i'm going to try to take it back to the warehouse store i bought it from, so i'll do that saturday.

sunday will be schoolwork for the week.. and sleeeeep

gotta go read for my counseling class that starts in 1/2 an hour.. posting this from the libs.

peace out,
legally banded